Gary Gulman
Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.Collection: Sugar Cookies
If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.Collection: Stars
Don't go back over your life with a red pen.Collection: Over You
No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!Collection: Religious
Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.Collection: Swings
The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.Collection: Coffee
Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.Collection: Running
The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.Collection: Loneliness
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.Collection: Basketball
I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.Collection: Growing Up
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.Collection: College
Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you're going? I don't even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard... Some people slow down at those things... I don't slow down. I speed up and set the high score.Collection: People
I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.Collection: Fall
The other thing is that I'm a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy. That's hard. Most people are like, 'Well, you have all your hair and you're tall, so why are you unhappy?' That can be limiting.Collection: Hair
Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.Collection: Kids
Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.Collection: Squares
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.Collection: Devil
I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.Collection: Christian
The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.Collection: Buttons
Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.Collection: Fun
I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.Collection: Thinking
I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.Collection: Thinking
My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it's like he's spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.Collection: Brother
I think everything contributes to your creativity.Collection: Creativity
I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.Collection: Hate
Without my family, I'd be something.Collection: Family
I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.Collection: Thinking
What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.Collection: Different
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.Collection: Trying
I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.Collection: Brother
Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.Collection: Usual
It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.Collection: Careers
For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.Collection: Writing
I just always wonder if I'm too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.Collection: Trying
There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you're talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they're supposed to prevent, that's like the hackiest joke out there now. If you're still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.Collection: Talking
As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.Collection: Teacher
I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.Collection: Games
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.Collection: Kissing
It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.Collection: Real
I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.Collection: Confidence
Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.Collection: Guitar
I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.Collection: Thinking
Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?Collection: Iraq
When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.Collection: Party
Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.Collection: People