Demetri Martin
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!Collection: Fire
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.Collection: Baby
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.Collection: Looks
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.Collection: Eyebrows
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.Collection: Writing
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.Collection: Hate
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.Collection: Funny
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.Collection: Funny
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.Collection: Blow
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than youCollection: Sleep
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.Collection: Home
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.Collection: Baby
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.Collection: Trying
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.Collection: Kids
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.Collection: Velcro
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.Collection: Whales
When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.Collection: Cousin
Vampires probably don't have great breath.Collection: Vampire
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.Collection: Independence
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.Collection: Fire
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.Collection: Greek
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'Collection: Funny
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.Collection: Thinking
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?Collection: Numbers
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.Collection: Games
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.Collection: Horse
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.Collection: Men
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.Collection: Moving
This is a pie chart about procrastination.Collection: Funny
I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.Collection: Thinking
It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.Collection: Men
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.Collection: Dark
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.Collection: Creative
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.Collection: Halloween
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.Collection: Thinking
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.Collection: Fall
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.Collection: Self
Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.Collection: Interesting
I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.Collection: Party
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.Collection: Summer
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.Collection: Running
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.Collection: Funny
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.Collection: Flavor
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.Collection: Thinking
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.Collection: Nostalgia
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.Collection: Jumping
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.Collection: Enemy
Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.Collection: Jesus
A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.Collection: Girl