Demetri Martin
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.Collection: Funny
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.Collection: Bowling
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.Collection: Looks
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.Collection: Sports
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"Collection: Funny
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.Collection: Checkers
The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.Collection: Distance
A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.Collection: Queens
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.Collection: Reality
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.Collection: Trying
Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.Collection: Jumping
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.Collection: Hands
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.Collection: Inspirational
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.Collection: Congratulations
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.Collection: Opposites
When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'Collection: Car
The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.Collection: Night
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.Collection: Night
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.Collection: Gun
Clowns have no respect for pie.Collection: Pie
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.Collection: Song
I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."Collection: Crazy
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.Collection: Cards
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.Collection: Grateful
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.Collection: Important
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.Collection: Hate
I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.Collection: Turtles
Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.Collection: Night
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.Collection: Ideas
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.Collection: Hands
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.Collection: Interesting
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.Collection: Funny
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.Collection: Insult To Injury
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.Collection: Giving
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.Collection: Average
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.Collection: Snacks
I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.Collection: World
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.Collection: Trying
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.Collection: Interesting
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.Collection: Eyebrows
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.Collection: Funny
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.Collection: Animal
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.Collection: Garden
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.Collection: Annoying
A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.Collection: Rain
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.Collection: Writing
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.Collection: Funny
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.Collection: Grandchildren
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.Collection: Mystery