Demetri Martin
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
To me, comedy is a game.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.Collection: Thinking
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'Collection: Morning
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.Collection: Keys
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.Collection: Balance
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.Collection: Tape
'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.Collection: Mad
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.Collection: Play
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.Collection: Math
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.Collection: Funny
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?Collection: Kids
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.Collection: Adventure
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.Collection: Baby