David Letterman
The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.Collection: Art
Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.Collection: Years
Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.Collection: Hair
George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.Collection: White
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.Collection: Believe
I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.Collection: Party
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.Collection: Funny
How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.Collection: Funny
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'Collection: Funny
This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.Collection: New York
There are so many flavors of Coke now - Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they've just brought out another new flavor - Coke with Pepsi.Collection: Pepsi
The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.Collection: Mars
Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.Collection: Squares
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.Collection: Home
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs.Collection: Beautiful
Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.Collection: Sex
There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.Collection: Oil
And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.Collection: Summer
They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.Collection: Hunting
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.Collection: Thinking
Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!Collection: Order
Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!Collection: Nike
We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.Collection: Daughter
Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'Collection: Wall
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.Collection: Night
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!Collection: Thanksgiving
Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'Collection: Winning
I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.Collection: Jobs
I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.Collection: Prison
It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.Collection: Jerk
Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.Collection: Dark
Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?Collection: Dating
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'Collection: People
Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.Collection: Doubt
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.Collection: Hurt
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.Collection: Email
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.Collection: Monday
I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.Collection: Rocks
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.Collection: Weekend
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.Collection: Running
The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flagCollection: Paris
Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.Collection: Evil
Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.Collection: Childhood
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'Collection: Talking
Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.Collection: Pie
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'Collection: Iraq
I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.Collection: Social Values