David Letterman
Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.Collection: Weekend
It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.Collection: Obamacare
You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?Collection: Evil
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.Collection: Funny
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.Collection: Mother
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.Collection: Running
The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.Collection: Believe
As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.Collection: Hair
They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.Collection: Coffee
Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.Collection: President
I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.Collection: Helping
Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'Collection: Wall
President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.Collection: June
Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.Collection: Two
CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.Collection: Numbers
About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It's actually a great feeling.Collection: Air
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.Collection: New York
I think O.J. protests too much. Not only did he say he didn't carve the holiday turkey, but he was in the back yard practicing his golf swing the whole time.Collection: Holiday
So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.Collection: Storm
Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.Collection: Evil
Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.Collection: Iowa
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.Collection: Drinking
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.Collection: Funny
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.Collection: Guy
I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch.Collection: Running
Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.Collection: Mean
I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.Collection: Comedian
North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.Collection: Son
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.Collection: Tanks
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.Collection: Sorry
The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.Collection: Florida
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.Collection: Race
A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.Collection: Obama Supporters
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?Collection: Thinking
The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.Collection: Special
I spend most of my free time under the house.Collection: House
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"Collection: Marriage
Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin.Collection: Couple
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.Collection: Thinking
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?Collection: Guy
They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.Collection: Momentum
Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.Collection: Sports
Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.Collection: Iowa
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.Collection: Zoos
Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.Collection: Hopeful
In Hollywood, Oscar is king.Collection: Kings
Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.Collection: Wife
Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.Collection: Thinking
Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.Collection: Success