Bob Hope
Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I've never heard of a clean one.Collection: War
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.Collection: Funny
I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.Collection: Kings
Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.Collection: Swim
Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.Collection: Book
Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.Collection: Funny
I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.Collection: Men
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.Collection: Funny
Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.Collection: Marine
At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.Collection: Thinking
Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.Collection: Running
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.Collection: Blood
To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.Collection: Ideas
My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!Collection: Golf
Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.Collection: Drinking
There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.Collection: Funny
Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.Collection: Golf
I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.Collection: Golf
Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!Collection: Congratulations
Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.Collection: Golf
For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn greenCollection: Oscars
Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.Collection: Home
We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.Collection: Spring
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.Collection: Religious
The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.Collection: Funny
It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.Collection: Boys
Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.Collection: Funny
The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.Collection: Funny
I felt I wasn't getting anywhere in England.Collection: One Line
If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.Collection: Golf
Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.Collection: Baseball
Lots of travel, away from home.Collection: Home
Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.Collection: Beautiful
Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only troulbe is that when I win, I always have to engage and attorney before I can draw the money.Collection: Golf
The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.Collection: Home
I tell jokes to pay my green fees.Collection: Golf
Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.Collection: Golf
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.Collection: Witty
Isn’t it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?Collection: Fun