Bob Hope
Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.Collection: Funny
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodiesCollection: Ambition
It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.Collection: Funny
There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.Collection: Funny
You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.Collection: Fans
The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.Collection: Funny
The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.Collection: Aspirin
Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?Collection: Fun
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.Collection: Lying
If my golf game was a prize fight, they'd stop it.Collection: Fighting
Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.Collection: Funny
Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.Collection: Golf
And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.Collection: Funny
Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.Collection: Golf
We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.Collection: Mistake
Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!Collection: Healing
US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!Collection: Golf
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?Collection: Funny
I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.Collection: Funny
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, 'What do I do next?' Pat replied, 'Wait till the pain dies down.'Collection: Pain
It gave dirty politics a bad name.Collection: Dirty
The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.Collection: Funny
After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can.Collection: Funny
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.Collection: Funny
I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.Collection: Golf
If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.Collection: Golf
A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.Collection: Golf
Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me." And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!Collection: Kissing
Television is the box they buried entertainment in.Collection: Television
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.Collection: Girl
Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.Collection: Song
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.Collection: Funny
If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.Collection: Dirty
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.Collection: Funny
Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.Collection: Funny
I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.Collection: Watches
You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.Collection: People
A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.Collection: Funny
The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.Collection: Funny
Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.Collection: Essence
I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.Collection: Men
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.Collection: Funny
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.Collection: Sports
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?Collection: Years
Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.Collection: Golf
We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.Collection: Funny
Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.Collection: Careers
The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.Collection: Believe
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent for that.Collection: Lying