Bob Hope
Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.Collection: Years
Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.Collection: Funny
He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an EnglandCollection: One Line
Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.Collection: Funny
He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.Collection: Golf
Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.Collection: Golf
Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.Collection: Beach
On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.Collection: Golf
It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.Collection: Golf
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?Collection: America
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.Collection: Funny
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.Collection: Golf
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.Collection: Funny
Your ignorance cramps my conversationCollection: Ignorance
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.Collection: Men
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.Collection: Running
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.Collection: Funny
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.Collection: Funny
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.Collection: Birthday
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.Collection: Gun
Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.Collection: People
Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.Collection: Laughter
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.Collection: Blood
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.Collection: Funny
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.Collection: Funny
I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.Collection: Air
Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.Collection: Country
I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters.Collection: Giving Up
I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.Collection: Beautiful
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your handsCollection: Moving
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.Collection: Watches
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.Collection: Awards
Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.Collection: Temptation
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.Collection: Bombers
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.Collection: Mcdonalds
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.Collection: Witty
One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.Collection: Laughter
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.Collection: Mother
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."Collection: Funny
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.Collection: People
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.Collection: Funny
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.Collection: Funny
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.Collection: Mothers Day
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.Collection: Golf
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.Collection: Girlfriend
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.Collection: Golf
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.Collection: Mouths
It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.Collection: Next Day
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.Collection: Funny