Bob Hope
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.Collection: Time
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.Collection: Pet
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.Collection: Funny
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.Collection: Happiness
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.Collection: Humor
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.Collection: Birthday
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.Collection: Christmas
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.Collection: Sports
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?Collection: Humor
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.Collection: Patriotism
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.Collection: Love
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.Collection: Funny
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.Collection: Money
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.Collection: Age
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.Collection: Funny
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
I have too much money invested in sweaters.
I was there. I saw your sons and your husbands, your brothers and your sweethearts. I saw how they worked, played, fought, and lived. I saw some of them die. I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny.Collection: Veterans Day
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two partiesCollection: Witty
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.Collection: President
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.Collection: Good Friend
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.Collection: Age
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.Collection: Political
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.Collection: Doors
With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.Collection: Silent Films
I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.Collection: Government
I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.Collection: Flying
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.Collection: Hands
Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.Collection: Garden State
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?Collection: Government
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.Collection: Long
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.Collection: People
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?Collection: Christmas
I can still chase women, only downhillCollection: Stills
Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!Collection: Funny
I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.Collection: Actors
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.Collection: Funny