Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 36
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 36 provides more funny quotes.
Dolphins : Animals that are so intelligent that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them food three times a day.Collection: Funny
Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother.Collection: Funny
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.Collection: Funny
Get out the rye bread and mustard grandma, cause it's GRAND SALAMI TIME!Collection: Funny
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.Collection: Funny
I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.Collection: Funny
Human beings are like tea-bags. You don't know your own strength until you get into hot water.Collection: Funny
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.Collection: Funny
Magellan went around the world in 1521, which is not too many strokes when you consider the distance.Collection: Funny
The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'Collection: Funny
Whenever I hear the word "share" I would reach for a gun if I had one. "Share" is frequently followed by the word "feelings", and I have enough of my own thank you; please do us both a favor and repress yours.Collection: Funny
Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.Collection: Funny
Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.Collection: Funny
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.Collection: Funny
After I saw Jimmy [Hendrix] play, I just went home and wondered what the f*** I was going to do with my life.Collection: Funny
Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.Collection: Funny
You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.Collection: Funny
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.Collection: Funny
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.Collection: Funny
I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.Collection: Funny
Figure out what to do, then take a nap.Collection: Funny
Ed, I see you're out drinking again. What's the occasion? I was sober.Collection: Funny
The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?Collection: Funny
I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.Collection: Funny
Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there.Collection: Funny
After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.Collection: Funny
The grinding of the intellect is for most people as painful as a dentists drill.Collection: Funny
Landscapes are culture before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood and water and rock. It is... difficult to think of a single natural system that has not, for better or worse, been substantially modified by human culture. The cultural habits of humanity have always made room for the sacredness of nature.Collection: Funny
Fast is only cool if it's melodic and has substance.Collection: Funny
I never practice my guitar. From time to time I just open the case & throw in a piece of raw meat.Collection: Funny
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'Collection: Funny
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.Collection: Funny
I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.Collection: Funny
The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp nose of a dog were in my opinion all God-given for one purpose only-to make complete fools of us human beings.Collection: Funny
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.Collection: Funny
[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.Collection: Funny
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.Collection: Funny
To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.Collection: Funny
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.Collection: Funny
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.Collection: Funny
If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.Collection: Funny
Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else--and usually it's reading his own handwriting.Collection: Funny
The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet.Collection: Funny
When I started driving our old four-door green DeSoto, I always took Skip on my trips around town. I would get Skip to prop himself against the steering wheel, his black head peering out of the windshield, while I crouched out of sight under the dashboard. Slowing the car to ten or fifteen, I would guide the steering wheel with my right hand while Skip, with his paws, kept it steady. As we drove by the Blue Front Café, I could hear one of the men shout: "Look at that ol' dog drivin' a car!"Collection: Funny
The house of Lords must be the only institution in the world which is kept efficient by the persistent absenteeism of most of its members.Collection: Funny
If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.Collection: Funny
The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.Collection: Funny