Adam Carolla
In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.Collection: Architecture
When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.Collection: Christmas
Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.Collection: Patriotism
I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.Collection: Health
I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.Collection: Mom
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?Collection: Funny
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.Collection: Funny
I don't know anything about computers.Collection: Computers
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'Collection: Humor
You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
My first car was a motorcycle.
I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.
A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.
I don't know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me.
I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'
If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.
When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.
I'm not a Republican.
I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.
The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.
I am not a good cue card reader.
I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
I get depressed at airports.
There are certain things women are better at than men.
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.
All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
I'm a comedian, not a politician.
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'
Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.
I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.
If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.