Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 35
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 35 provides more funny quotes.
I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.Collection: Funny
There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.Collection: Funny
When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around.Collection: Funny
Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.Collection: Funny
A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on.Collection: Funny
We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!Collection: Funny
Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.Collection: Funny
Sunday is Senior Citizens' Day. And if you want to become a senior citizen, just call the Padre ticket office.Collection: Funny
The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.Collection: Funny
Ron Guidry is not very big, maybe 140 pounds, but he has an arm like a lion.Collection: Funny
Sometimes big trees grow out of acorns - I think I heard that from a squirrel.Collection: Funny
Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding.Collection: Funny
Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.Collection: Funny
What a great hitch to pit!Collection: Funny
That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.Collection: Funny
There's two heads to every coin.Collection: Funny
The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.Collection: Funny
I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.Collection: Funny
If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck.Collection: Funny
The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century.Collection: Funny
DeShaies is like a clock out there. Every other pitch goes one way or the other.Collection: Funny
A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it for himself.Collection: Funny
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?Collection: Funny
Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.Collection: Funny
Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.Collection: Funny
I think pimp, therefore i am.Collection: Funny
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.Collection: Funny
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.Collection: Funny
If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.Collection: Funny
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.Collection: Funny
Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.Collection: Funny
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.Collection: Funny
White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!Collection: Funny
You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.Collection: Funny
America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.Collection: Funny
My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.Collection: Funny
My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!Collection: Funny
He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.Collection: Funny
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.Collection: Funny
Nobody fights with Jerry because you know the price would be too high. You might come out the winner, at his age, you might even lick him, but you'd lose an eye, an arm, your testicles in the process, everything would be gone.Collection: Funny
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.Collection: Funny
It was absolutely marvelous working for Pauli. You could ask him anything. There was no worry that he would think a particular question was stupid, since he thought all questions were stupid.Collection: Funny
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.Collection: Funny
A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.Collection: Funny
Everyone thinks softball is a girl's game. But you only think that until you get hit with it on a line drive.Collection: Funny
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.Collection: Funny
I love Fidel Castro...I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that motherfucker is still here.Collection: Funny
If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.Collection: Funny
So, how did you all meet?Collection: Funny