Carol Burnett
We don't stop going to school when we graduate.Collection: Graduation
You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself.Collection: Education
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.Collection: Teen
When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.Collection: Inspirational
Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.Collection: Famous
Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter.Collection: Funny
But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.Collection: Famous
I loved the Kennedy Center Honors because you just sit there, smile, wave, and cry.Collection: Smile
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.Collection: Motivational
I do the 'New York Times' crossword puzzle every morning to keep the old grey matter ticking.Collection: Morning
It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.Collection: Legal
Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.Collection: Humor
My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.Collection: Diet
My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.Collection: Movies
I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.Collection: Mom
Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.Collection: Communication
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?
When things are a disappointment, try not to be so discouraged.
Comedy is tragedy - plus time.
It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.
Just scream! You vent, and the body just feels good after a good old yell.
I come from Texas, and my grandmother and mother were born in Arkansas.
My grandmother and I would go see movies, and we'd come back to the apartment - we had a one-room apartment in Hollywood - and I would kind of lock myself in this little dressing room area with a cracked mirror on the door and act out what I had just seen.
Because nobody goes through life without a scar.
When I was in college at UCLA, I took a playwriting course. I was all set to be a writer. But I had to take this acting class as a theater arts major. I had to do this scene in a one-act comedy. I just said this line, and then... this laugh happened. I thought, 'Whoa. This is a really good feeling. What have I been missing?'
I'm not always optimistic. You wouldn't have all cylinders cooking if you were always like Mary Poppins.
I struggled for a while, but when I was cast in an Off Broadway show called 'Once Upon a Mattress,' that kind of put me on the map.
When I left 'The Garry Moore Show,' I signed a 10-year contract with CBS.
We all get where we're going by circuitous journeys, and some of the setbacks are warranted.
But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.
I do think there are some great female comics: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph. They're the whole ball of wax.
Jimmy Stewart and Lucille Ball were so unique.
Because of YouTube, I'm getting fan mail from 10-year-olds and teenagers and college kids.
I've always been able to recount things, and I have a really good memory about dialog and what people have said before and this and that.
I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry.
As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in 'Dharma and Greg' was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing.
It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.
It's not a bad thing to be able to do many things onstage. If you're an entertainer, you should be able to entertain. I'm proud to say that I'm not a one-trick pony.
I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.
Ask anyone who's successful how they got there, you're going to hear a different story.
In '57, I got a job at the Blue Angel nightclub, and a gentleman named Ken Welch wrote all my material for me. I lived at a place called the Rehearsal Club that was actually the basis for a play called Stage Door.
My favorite is doing the television show, as a variety show, every week. If the show wasn't that great one week, we could always come back and apologize, you know?
My grandmother and I followed my mother here, to a house a block north of Hollywood Boulevard but a million miles away from Hollywood, if you know what I mean. We would hang out behind the ropes and look at the movie stars arriving at the premieres.
I'm into 'House of Cards.' 'Breaking Bad' - my God, did I binge on that!
I was kind of shy as a kid. I was a pretty good student. I was a wallflower, or nerd, if you will.
I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.
I liked myself better when I wasn't me.
Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on - I guess you'd call it welfare, what we called relief.
Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.