Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 31
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 31 provides more funny quotes.
When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.Collection: Funny
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'Collection: Funny
Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgeryCollection: Funny
People ask what those women saw in me. Let's face it, I wasn't a bad-looking stud. But that's not it. It's the music; it's standing up there under the lights. A lot of women just flip; looks have nothing to do with it. You call Mick Jagger good-looking?Collection: Funny
I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I've never had that dilemma before. I've always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.Collection: Funny
But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don't know which way you're voting, cause it's like, "Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day?" .... So you vote no on it, and then it's on the news the next day. "Well, 74% of Americans have decided it's time to eat babies."Collection: Funny
If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make a million dollars in the NBA.Collection: Funny
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.Collection: Funny
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.Collection: Funny
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.Collection: Funny
People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'Collection: Funny
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.Collection: Funny
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.Collection: Funny
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."Collection: Funny
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.Collection: Funny
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.Collection: Funny
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.Collection: Funny
Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.Collection: Funny
Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'Collection: Funny
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.Collection: Funny
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!Collection: Funny
This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."Collection: Funny
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"Collection: Funny
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.Collection: Funny
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.Collection: Funny
That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.Collection: Funny
Thank God for Darwin, eh?Collection: Funny
The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.Collection: Funny
They better not put me in the All -Star Game. I won't shoot, but I'll dominate that easy game. I'll be playing hard defense. I'll be foulin'. I'll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, 'What are you doing?'Collection: Funny
When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.Collection: Funny
Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.Collection: Funny
In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.Collection: Funny
A cynic is just a man who found out when he was ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.Collection: Funny
I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast.Collection: Funny
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interestCollection: Funny
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 2Collection: Funny
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.Collection: Funny
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.Collection: Funny
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'Collection: Funny
Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.Collection: Funny
Every dog has it's day, unless he loses his tail, then he has a weakend.Collection: Funny
I look at the NBA as a football game without the helmet.Collection: Funny
This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.Collection: Funny
Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious.Collection: Funny
I can go right, I can go left, I'm amphibious.Collection: Funny
The first step in exceeding your customer's expectations is to know those expectations.Collection: Funny
A race track is a place where windows clean people.Collection: Funny
When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.Collection: Funny
Give God the margin of eternity to justify himself.Collection: Funny