Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 30
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 30 provides more funny quotes.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.Collection: Funny
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.Collection: Funny
Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.Collection: Funny
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.Collection: Funny
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.Collection: Funny
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.Collection: Funny
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?Collection: Funny
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.Collection: Funny
There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.Collection: Funny
I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money.Collection: Funny
Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.Collection: Funny
I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly.Collection: Funny
It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.Collection: Funny
At the finish, it was all overCollection: Funny
It's literally murder on the dancefloor.Collection: Funny
Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book.Collection: Funny
Never mistake legibility for communication.Collection: Funny
But there's a bigger trend I'm seeing: people who used to enjoy blogging their lives are now moving to Twitter.Collection: Funny
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.Collection: Funny
I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.Collection: Funny
Name 12 players better than me.Collection: Funny
I really like Rafer Alston. We get along great. We have a lot of fun times together that I canââ¬â¢t share with you guys.Collection: Funny
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?Collection: Funny
MaCleod, since you've flown the SeaBee a lot you'll understand when I say it was the only airplane I ever owned that you could put in a dive, loose a cylinder and stall out!Collection: Funny
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?Collection: Funny
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?Collection: Funny
Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.Collection: Funny
The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides.Collection: Funny
The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubledCollection: Funny
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.Collection: Funny
We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.Collection: Funny
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.Collection: Funny
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'Collection: Funny
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.Collection: Funny
If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.Collection: Funny
Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt, and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dogs.Collection: Funny
AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception.Collection: Funny
Dear me! I must be turning into a god.Collection: Funny
Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.Collection: Funny
I had to wait 110 years to become famous. I wanted to enjoy it as long as possible.Collection: Funny
It's easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one.Collection: Funny
Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel.Collection: Funny
I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice.Collection: Funny
I was just getting acquainted with the wood. I wanted to see if it was maple or pine.Collection: Funny
Every prosperous person who does not work has a creative scheme that does.Collection: Funny
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.Collection: Funny
Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.Collection: Funny
Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?'Collection: Funny
The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage.Collection: Funny