Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 33
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 33 provides more funny quotes.
If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she's wearing your best sweater.Collection: Funny
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.Collection: Funny
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bileless New Year and leave it at that.Collection: Funny
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. 'Yes', she replied 'but not the same ones.'Collection: Funny
Don't call 'em dogs. Dogs are loyal and they run after balls.Collection: Funny
If you must make a noise, make it quietly.Collection: Funny
Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.Collection: Funny
The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together.Collection: Funny
Children are gleeful barbarians.Collection: Funny
A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work.Collection: Funny
Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.Collection: Funny
Television is a weapon of mass distractrion.Collection: Funny
I often pay homeless people to come round and clean my car.Collection: Funny
Mind is never a problem. Mindset isCollection: Funny
Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"Collection: Funny
Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.Collection: Funny
Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the air.Collection: Funny
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'Collection: Funny
Never place a period where God has placed a comma.Collection: Funny
Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.Collection: Funny
Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.Collection: Funny
I really wanted to be nasty and mean and bad. It's so much easier than being the good girlCollection: Funny
Remember that a very good sardine is always preferable to a not that good lobster.Collection: Funny
Oh, to be seventy again!Collection: Funny
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.Collection: Funny
Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written wordCollection: Funny
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.Collection: Funny
The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.Collection: Funny
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.Collection: Funny
I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!Collection: Funny
Appeasement, said Winston Churchill, consists of being nice to a crocodile in the hope that he will eat you last. At the moment, the biggest crocodile in the world is Microsoft, and everybody is busy sucking up to it.Collection: Funny
Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.Collection: Funny
These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up.Collection: Funny
We have North Shore, Hawaii and Lost all there, so they have softball tournaments between the casts. It's hilarious.Collection: Funny
And he nipped them in the bud, right at the endCollection: Funny
I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.Collection: Funny
Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.Collection: Funny
It is, ... kind of a softball atmosphere out there.Collection: Funny
Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.Collection: Funny
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.Collection: Funny
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!Collection: Funny
When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.Collection: Funny
Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.Collection: Funny
Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.Collection: Funny
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.Collection: Funny
The clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings. It makes it easy to have sex. With yourself.Collection: Funny
Yes. I guess it's the foolish romantic in me, but you see, I don’t think that sex is my Muse.Collection: Funny
I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.Collection: Funny
I take my pet lion to church ever Sunday. He has to eat.Collection: Funny