Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 29
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 29 provides more funny quotes.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.Collection: Funny
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."Collection: Funny
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."Collection: Funny
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"Collection: Funny
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"Collection: Funny
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."Collection: Funny
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.Collection: Funny
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"Collection: Funny
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.Collection: Funny
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."Collection: Funny
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."Collection: Funny
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.Collection: Funny
If you have a good idea, open your mouth and say something else.Collection: Funny
I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.Collection: Funny
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.Collection: Funny
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."Collection: Funny
Beer is an improvement on water itself.Collection: Funny
Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs.Collection: Funny
There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable.Collection: Funny
I have always said that if I were a rich man, I would employ a professional praiser.Collection: Funny
There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words. The converse, however, is false. Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense.Collection: Funny
Art is so often better at theology than theology is.Collection: Funny
Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today.Collection: Funny
The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.Collection: Funny
[On what bugged him] A fine city with too many socialists and mosquitoes. At least you can spray the mosquitoes.Collection: Funny
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.Collection: Funny
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.Collection: Funny
The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.Collection: Funny
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.Collection: Funny
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.Collection: Funny
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.Collection: Funny
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.Collection: Funny
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.Collection: Funny
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.Collection: Funny
Journalism is organized gossip.Collection: Funny
Money will come when you are doing the right thing.Collection: Funny
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.Collection: Funny
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.Collection: Funny
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?Collection: Funny
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.Collection: Funny
Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.Collection: Funny
He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.Collection: Funny
This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.Collection: Funny
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.Collection: Funny
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.Collection: Funny
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.Collection: Funny
The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'Collection: Funny
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.Collection: Funny
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.Collection: Funny