Richard Jeni
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.Collection: Life
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.Collection: Yoga
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.Collection: Running
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.Collection: Dream
The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.Collection: Nuts
I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.Collection: Revenge
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.Collection: Tattoo
When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.Collection: Funny
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.Collection: Religious
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.Collection: Spiritual
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.Collection: Important
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'Collection: Sex
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?Collection: Doctors
Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.Collection: Divorce
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?Collection: Purpose
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?Collection: Running
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.Collection: Country
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'Collection: Funny
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.Collection: Success
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!Collection: Girl
The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?Collection: Fighting
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.Collection: Mom
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.Collection: Doors
You know what the average person is? Average.Collection: Average
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.Collection: Lying
Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'Collection: Beach
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.Collection: Sports
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?Collection: Death
That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.Collection: People
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!Collection: Football
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.Collection: Ugly
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?Collection: Eye
Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.Collection: Jobs
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.Collection: Animal
Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.Collection: Children
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!Collection: Broke
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.Collection: Gun
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.Collection: Epidemics
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.Collection: Country
To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.Collection: Zero
In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.Collection: New York
If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.Collection: War
Never fry bacon when you're naked.Collection: Naked
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.Collection: Half
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.Collection: Careers
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.Collection: Animal
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.Collection: Sex
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!Collection: Marriage
Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.Collection: Real
America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!Collection: America