Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 32
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 32 provides more funny quotes.
It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people.Collection: Funny
There aren't any hard women, only soft men.Collection: Funny
I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"Collection: Funny
Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.Collection: Funny
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.Collection: Funny
I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"Collection: Funny
I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."Collection: Funny
Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a better way, but you don't have a universe to rule.Collection: Funny
The modelling was fun but I don't see it the same as music, because with modelling, I was just kind of lucky, I just fell into it. I got discovered at a train station when I'd just turned 15, I was working full-time by 16, moved overseas and then just kept at it and made it a life. Whereas with my music, I've really struggled through and worked hard, learnt how to write and I've kept developing that.Collection: Funny
I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.Collection: Funny
I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day.Collection: Funny
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.Collection: Funny
Television: The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it.Collection: Funny
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.Collection: Funny
Nature, time and patience are three great physicians.Collection: Funny
It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanksCollection: Funny
If you want to work consistently, you have to be a team player.Collection: Funny
If I had my hand full of truth, I would take good care how I opened it.Collection: Funny
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.Collection: Funny
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.Collection: Funny
Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass! Down with the beer!Collection: Funny
In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.Collection: Funny
Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail.Collection: Funny
Never moon a werewolf.Collection: Funny
A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own fartsCollection: Funny
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurantsCollection: Funny
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.Collection: Funny
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.Collection: Funny
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.Collection: Funny
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.Collection: Funny
We can't play stupid hockey, dumb hockey, greedy hockey, selfish hockey. We have to put the team ahead of our personal feelings.Collection: Funny
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.Collection: Funny
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.Collection: Funny
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.Collection: Funny
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.Collection: Funny
Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?Collection: Funny
I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air.Collection: Funny
When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.Collection: Funny
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.Collection: Funny
I’ve long advised that bloggers seeking to make money from blogging spread their interests across multiple revenue streams so as not to put all their eggs in one basket.Collection: Funny
Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.Collection: Funny
Every dog should have a man of his own. There is nothing like a well-behaved person around the house to spread the dog's blanket for him, or bring him his supper when he comes home man-tired at night.Collection: Funny
Men cannot think like dogs.... [There exists] a sharp difference in the mental capacity of humans and canines. For example, a human who is given an intricate problem will spend all day trying to solve it, but a canine will have the sense to give up and do something else instead.Collection: Funny
When a doting person gets down on all fours and plays with a puppy's rubber mouse, for instance, it only confuses the young dog and gives him a sense of insecurity. He gets the impression that his world is unstable, and wonders whether he is expected to walk on his hind legs and learn to smoke cigars.Collection: Funny
Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size also makes for a bigger space to move out of its way.Collection: Funny
Funny you mention my dinner parties when I have just suggested that inviting close friends over to share a meal with candlelight and wine at your table could be a form of religious experience for some people. To me its a form of sacrament.Collection: Funny
Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.Collection: Funny
Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.Collection: Funny