Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 28
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 28 provides more funny quotes.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."Collection: Funny
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"Collection: Funny
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.Collection: Funny
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.Collection: Funny
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."Collection: Funny
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.Collection: Funny
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'Collection: Funny
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.Collection: Funny
There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.Collection: Funny
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.Collection: Funny
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid my family was really poor and I remember one Halloween I wanted to dress up really scary and my parents came home with a duck costume. I wore that costume for years! I hated it.Collection: Funny
If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.Collection: Funny
We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.Collection: Funny
Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.Collection: Funny
I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.Collection: Funny
I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.Collection: Funny
We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.Collection: Funny
Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.Collection: Funny
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.Collection: Funny
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.Collection: Funny
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?Collection: Funny
It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.Collection: Funny
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.Collection: Funny
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.Collection: Funny
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.Collection: Funny
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.Collection: Funny
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.Collection: Funny
What do gardeners do when they retire?Collection: Funny
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.Collection: Funny
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?Collection: Funny
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!Collection: Funny
Aw, how could he Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico.Collection: Funny
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.Collection: Funny
Going into a game against Lew Alcindor [later Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] is like going into a knife fight and finding there's no blade in your handle.Collection: Funny
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.Collection: Funny
The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.Collection: Funny
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.Collection: Funny
After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points - I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points.Collection: Funny
Running a ball club is like raising kids who fall out of trees.Collection: Funny
I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodiesCollection: Funny
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."Collection: Funny
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."Collection: Funny
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."Collection: Funny
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.Collection: Funny
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."Collection: Funny
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."Collection: Funny
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.Collection: Funny
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."Collection: Funny