Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 26

Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 26 provides more funny quotes.

Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
- Judy Sheindlin
Collection: Funny

I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you.
- Judy Sheindlin
Collection: Funny

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
- Chris Rock
Collection: Funny

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
- Chris Rock
Collection: Funny

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."
- Chris Rock
Collection: Funny

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.
- Chris Rock
Collection: Funny

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
- Chris Rock
Collection: Funny

Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold; Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success.
- Ernest Shackleton
Collection: Funny

Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
- Voltaire
Collection: Funny

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
- Voltaire
Collection: Funny

And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me
- Drew Brees
Collection: Funny

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
- Joan Rivers
Collection: Funny

Basketball really had its origin in Indiana, which remains the center of the sport.
- James Naismith
Collection: Funny

P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
- Boyle Roche
Collection: Funny

At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.
- Boyle Roche
Collection: Funny

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
- Colin Quinn
Collection: Funny

The guitar is your first wings. It's assigned and designed to unfold your vision and imagination.
- Carlos Santana
Collection: Funny

Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.
- Larry Wall
Collection: Funny

If you want government to intervene domestically, you’re a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you’re a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you’re a moderate. If you don’t want government to intervene anywhere, you’re an extremist.
- Joseph Sobran
Collection: Funny

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics.
- Hilaire Belloc
Collection: Funny

Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world.
- Kate Douglas Wiggin
Collection: Funny

In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.
- Bill Shankly
Collection: Funny

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.
- Bill Shankly
Collection: Funny

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.
- Bill Shankly
Collection: Funny

If a man….who’s playing in front of the public, is being well paid, and he doesn’t dedicate himself to the job, I’d be hard on him. If I could I would put him in jail, out of the road of society. Because he’s a menace
- Bill Shankly
Collection: Funny

If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.
- Bill Shankly
Collection: Funny

Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
- Gene Wilder
Collection: Funny

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.This was said by gene wilder ... what does it mean ?
- Gene Wilder
Collection: Funny

The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last.
- Gene Wilder
Collection: Funny

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!
- Yakov Smirnoff
Collection: Funny

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
- Yakov Smirnoff
Collection: Funny

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
- Yakov Smirnoff
Collection: Funny

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.
- Laurence Olivier
Collection: Funny

I am far from sure when I am acting and when I am not or, should I more frankly put it, when I am lying and when I am not. For what is acting but lying and what is good acting but convincing lying?
- Laurence Olivier
Collection: Funny

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
- Jerry Seinfeld
Collection: Funny

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Collection: Funny

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Collection: Funny

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Collection: Funny

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Collection: Funny

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Collection: Funny