Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 24
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 24 provides more funny quotes.
I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.Collection: Funny
Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.Collection: Funny
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.Collection: Funny
The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school.Collection: Funny
The law often permits what honor prohibits.Collection: Funny
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.Collection: Funny
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.Collection: Funny
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.Collection: Funny
What a father says to his children is not heard by the world, but it will be heard by posterity.Collection: Funny
Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -ShaneCollection: Funny
History teaches us virtue, but nature never ceases to teachh us vice.Collection: Funny
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.Collection: Funny
Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.Collection: Funny
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.Collection: Funny
August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f**king in a sock.Collection: Funny
I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day.Collection: Funny
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.Collection: Funny
Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.Collection: Funny
I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.Collection: Funny
I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.Collection: Funny
My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'.Collection: Funny
Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!Collection: Funny
The biggest lesson I've learned . . . was that if you have all the fresh water you want to drink and all the food you want to eat, you ought never to complain about anything.Collection: Funny
Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god.Collection: Funny
If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.Collection: Funny
One of the most important phases of maturing is that of growth from self-centering to an understanding relationship to others. A person is not mature until he has both an ability and a willingness to see himself as one among others and to do unto those others as he would have them do to him.Collection: Funny
I would recommend to those persons who are inclined to stagnate, whose blood is beginning to thicken sluggishly in their veins, to try keeping four dogs, two of which are puppies.Collection: Funny
You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!Collection: Funny
I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.Collection: Funny
You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.Collection: Funny
So forget about blogs and bloggers and blogging and focus on this - the cost and difficulty of publishing absolutely anything, by anyone, into a global medium, just got a whole lot lower. And the effects of that increased pool of potential producers is going to be vast.Collection: Funny
My advice to any diplomat who wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog.Collection: Funny
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.Collection: Funny
I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.Collection: Funny
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.Collection: Funny
All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.Collection: Funny
Where are all the sour patch parents?Collection: Funny
Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.Collection: Funny
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.Collection: Funny
When I first started running, I was so embarrassed I'd walk when cars passed me. I'd pretend I was looking at the flowers!Collection: Funny
I'll have that one, please.Collection: Funny
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.Collection: Funny
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.Collection: Funny
That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.Collection: Funny
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.Collection: Funny
I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.Collection: Funny
When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).Collection: Funny
What did the carrot say to the wheat? Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.Collection: Funny
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.Collection: Funny