Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 25
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 25 provides more funny quotes.
I'm no expert, Rock, but I don't think I have any poontang...to give you.Collection: Funny
I really like it. I really, really like it. Ah, ah, ah, ah...buried alive...buried alive.Collection: Funny
If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.Collection: Funny
...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.Collection: Funny
Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful.Collection: Funny
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.Collection: Funny
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'Collection: Funny
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.Collection: Funny
It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.Collection: Funny
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"Collection: Funny
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"Collection: Funny
Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"Collection: Funny
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.Collection: Funny
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.Collection: Funny
I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"Collection: Funny
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!Collection: Funny
There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.Collection: Funny
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.Collection: Funny
The whole city gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell, "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl--everything.Collection: Funny
In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.Collection: Funny
Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooledCollection: Funny
When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happenCollection: Funny
Hardly any animal can look as deeply disappointed as a dog to whom one says "no."Collection: Funny
When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoesCollection: Funny
In order to compose, all you need to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.Collection: Funny
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.Collection: Funny
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.Collection: Funny
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.Collection: Funny
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.Collection: Funny
Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.Collection: Funny
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.Collection: Funny
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.Collection: Funny
I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.Collection: Funny
My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.Collection: Funny
What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?Collection: Funny
An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.Collection: Funny
Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you areCollection: Funny
Hate me for who I am, I don't care. At least I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.Collection: Funny
The men liked to put me down as the best woman painter. I think I'm one of the best painters.Collection: Funny
I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.Collection: Funny
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wastedCollection: Funny
Well-behaved women seldom make history.Collection: Funny
There is no insanity so devastating in man's life as utter sanity.Collection: Funny
Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.Collection: Funny
All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.Collection: Funny
Paul Ryan's love for Rage Against The Machine is amusing, because he is the embodiment of the machine that our music has been raging against for two decadesCollection: Funny
The most powerful music is music with purpose.Collection: Funny