Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 27
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 27 provides more funny quotes.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.Collection: Funny
Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'Collection: Funny
The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.Collection: Funny
Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'Collection: Funny
College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.Collection: Funny
I don't see the point of watching men exercise.Collection: Funny
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.Collection: Funny
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.Collection: Funny
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'Collection: Funny
Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.Collection: Funny
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.Collection: Funny
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?Collection: Funny
Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?Collection: Funny
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.Collection: Funny
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.Collection: Funny
The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.Collection: Funny
A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.Collection: Funny
Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they already have done a good pruning job.Collection: Funny
A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.Collection: Funny
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.Collection: Funny
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.Collection: Funny
The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.Collection: Funny
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?Collection: Funny
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.Collection: Funny
It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.Collection: Funny
Of all the self-fulfilling prophecies in our culture, the assumption that aging means decline and poor health is probably the deadliest.Collection: Funny
Hands up if you’re ready to do something you’ll regret this weekend. Go forth! You have my blessing.Collection: Funny
I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.Collection: Funny
I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.Collection: Funny
"In France," Marcel said with wintry dignity, "accidents occur in the bedroom, not the kitchen."Collection: Funny
Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.Collection: Funny
We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.Collection: Funny
Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.Collection: Funny
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.Collection: Funny
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.Collection: Funny
Wakin' up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say.Collection: Funny
I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.Collection: Funny
Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.Collection: Funny
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?Collection: Funny
In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen into a nightclub by mistake, when we leave the doorman will be lying in the street surrounded by police.Collection: Funny
Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.Collection: Funny
The two women exchanged the type of glance women use when there is no knife handy.Collection: Funny
He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.Collection: Funny
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorryCollection: Funny
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.Collection: Funny
The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.Collection: Funny
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."Collection: Funny
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'Collection: Funny
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.Collection: Funny