Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 22
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 22 provides more funny quotes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.Collection: Funny
If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?Collection: Funny
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.Collection: Funny
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishmentCollection: Funny
Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.Collection: Funny
Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.Collection: Funny
The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means.Collection: Funny
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.Collection: Funny
Winning doesn't really matter as long as you winCollection: Funny
I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.Collection: Funny
The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world.Collection: Funny
It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides.Collection: Funny
Life is too short for a long storyCollection: Funny
If only faces could talk.Collection: Funny
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.Collection: Funny
If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around.Collection: Funny
Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.Collection: Funny
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.Collection: Funny
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell offCollection: Funny
I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.Collection: Funny
A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth.Collection: Funny
A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself.Collection: Funny
I played so bad, I got a get-well card from the IRS.Collection: Funny
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."Collection: Funny
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.Collection: Funny
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'Collection: Funny
Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?Collection: Funny
The more I see of man, the more I like dogs.Collection: Funny
What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?Collection: Funny
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.Collection: Funny
A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well - almost.Collection: Funny
Yes, about ten minutes.Collection: Funny
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.Collection: Funny
People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!Collection: Funny
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.Collection: Funny
And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.Collection: Funny
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.Collection: Funny
I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?Collection: Funny
Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.Collection: Funny
It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.Collection: Funny
You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever.Collection: Funny
What people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidity.Collection: Funny
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.Collection: Funny
Apparently there are three levels of brain activity. Level 1 is the lowest level - the amount of concentration required to, say, delete emails or serve in congress.Collection: Funny
Kansas is a piece of real estate that completely disproves the theory of roundness as a quality of the planet earth.Collection: Funny
Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.Collection: Funny
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.Collection: Funny
Confront a child, a puppy, and a kitten with a sudden danger; the child will turn instinctively for assistance, the puppy will grovel in abject submission, the kitten will brace its tiny body for a frantic resistance.Collection: Funny