Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 23
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 23 provides more funny quotes.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.Collection: Funny
If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.Collection: Funny
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?Collection: Funny
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.Collection: Funny
He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.Collection: Funny
The true God, the mighty God, is the God of ideas.Collection: Funny
In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We're only one God away from total agreement.Collection: Funny
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.Collection: Funny
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.Collection: Funny
I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'Collection: Funny
I met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you - you're twenty minutes.Collection: Funny
I'm too drunk to taste this chickenCollection: Funny
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.Collection: Funny
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.Collection: Funny
Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.Collection: Funny
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.Collection: Funny
Unless I am very much mistaken...I AM very much mistaken...!Collection: Funny
Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh, no he isn't! It's a lap record.Collection: Funny
Jenson Button is in the top ten, in eleventh position.Collection: Funny
Mansell can see him in his earphone.Collection: Funny
And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.Collection: Funny
Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of himCollection: Funny
And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.Collection: Funny
Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?Collection: Funny
It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way.Collection: Funny
Let's stop the startwatch.Collection: Funny
The European drivers have adapted to this circuit extremely quickly, especially Paul Radisich who's a New Zealander.Collection: Funny
Future generations will look back on TV as the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Romans mad.Collection: Funny
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.Collection: Funny
Well, the clothes are really cool that we wear. The sets are so funny, because it's like everything is so real.Collection: Funny
If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you alone.Collection: Funny
I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.Collection: Funny
Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.Collection: Funny
Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a country, he thought despairingly. In Russia you always knew. If a man made a stern face he was threatening; if he was laughing uproariously, he was joking.Collection: Funny
It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.Collection: Funny
Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.Collection: Funny
People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth.Collection: Funny
Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and, generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school.Collection: Funny
The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.Collection: Funny
'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'Collection: Funny
In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.Collection: Funny
The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.Collection: Funny
The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.Collection: Funny
Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.Collection: Funny
You're only half the man that I am, and I have half the brain that you do.Collection: Funny
Haters...are all failures. It's 100% across the board. No one who is truly brilliant at anything is a hater.Collection: Funny
No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.Collection: Funny
Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic.Collection: Funny
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.Collection: Funny