Robin Williams
Ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them I was crazy about them. Once I held them I was hooked. I am addicted to my children sir. I love them with all my heart and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them everyday. Well, it's like someone saying I can't have air.Collection: Art
We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.Collection: Cute
No man is an island; but some are peninsulas.Collection: Men
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.Collection: Doubt
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.Collection: Air
Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.Collection: War
My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it's mobile meditation.Collection: Meditation
My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that's where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I'd use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that's where it [my comedy] all started.Collection: Mother
Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.Collection: Philosophy
The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.Collection: Ideas
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.Collection: Golf
But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.Collection: Life
I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"Collection: Zoos
Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.Collection: Couple
Be prepared for luck.Collection: Luck
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.Collection: Sports
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugsCollection: Strong
When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.Collection: Cowboy
My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings. And a favorite book as a child? Growing up, it was 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' - I would read the whole C.S. Lewis series out loud to my kids. I was once reading to Zelda, and she said 'don't do any voices. Just read it as yourself.' So I did, I just read it straight, and she said 'that's better.'Collection: Children
Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means somethingCollection: Crush
I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.Collection: Carpe Diem
You have to break in half to love somebody.Collection: Half
Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.Collection: Comedy
Here's the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can't deal with it, OK, it'll be gone.Collection: Hands
What's my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn't there someone more qualified?Collection: Advice
Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniumsCollection: Inspiration
I stopped drinking when I had children because I wanted to be awake and aware. I did not want to be going, you know, daddy loves you and then drop my head on the table. I do not want to miss anything that they do or say. It is important to me.Collection: Children
When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.Collection: Play
It's always great when you want scientific fact to get a really good science fiction writer to talk to you about it.Collection: Fiction
My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushesCollection: Inspiration
If you're going to do a movie about the Village, it's pretty nice to shoot in the village and not be in Toronto.Collection: Nice
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.Collection: Stage
If I ever asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked a woman and been totally vulnerable.Collection: Love You
I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, "My boy's got learnin'!"Collection: Father
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.Collection: Funny
I enjoy that, and the idea of doing small things over a period of time. I think there are certain things you can do for water control in America, because that will be our most precious resource. In America, you pay more for water than you do for gas.Collection: Thinking
Before the Web, there was just one guy running around saying 'I KNOW!'Collection: Running
Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.Collection: Sports
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.Collection: Funny
There's this thing called freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your home. It should be called 'homebasing'.Collection: Home
Lance Armstrong pushes the envelope in terms of the human experience. You can have a personal best, you can push your own envelope. For Lance, the person pushing him is him. The only person he's competing with, I think, is himself. To push that limit to the next step. There's a lot to learn from him. Lots.Collection: Thinking
That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.Collection: Inspiration
With a bike you go from zero to a hundred in terms of mobility.Collection: Zero
It was kind of a decompression - from straight alcohol to mixed drinks to wine to spritzers - and then you're out.Collection: Wine
It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.Collection: Thinking
I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.Collection: Surfing
Dreams don't deal in time. Time doesn't count.Collection: Dream
My childhood was really nice. My parents never forced me to do anything; it was always, "If you want to do that, fine." When I told my father I was going to be an actor, he said, "Fine, but study welding just in case."Collection: Father
How much more can you give? Other than, literally, open-heart surgery onstage? Not much. But the only cure you have right now is the honesty of going, this is who you are. I know who I am.Collection: Honesty