Richard Armour
Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.Collection: Beauty
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.Collection: Women
Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong.Collection: Politics
Children are supposed to help hold a marriage together. They do this in a number of ways. For instance, they demand so much attention that a husband and wife, concentrating on their children, fail to notice each other's faults.Collection: Marriage
That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye'.Collection: Money
In larger things we are convivial; what causes trouble is the trivial.
I love a finished speaker, I really, truly do I don't mean one who's polished, I just mean one who's through.
It is all right to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then.
I've suffered from all of the hang-ups known, and none is as bad as the telephone.
Middle -age is the time of life, that a man first notices - in his wife.
Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.
When it comes to eating, you can sometimes help yourself more by helping yourself less.
Libraries: Here is where people, one frequently finds, lower their voices, and raise their minds.Collection: Voice
Book burning is a charming old custom, hallowed by antiquity. It has been practiced for centuries by fascists, communists, atheists, school children, rival authors, and tired librarians. Like everything of importance since the invention of the cloak and the shroud, its origins are cloaked in mystery and shrouded in secrecy. Some scholars believe that the first instance of book burning occurred in the Middle Ages, when a monk was trying to illuminate a manuscript. All agree that book burning was almost non-existent during the period when books were made of stone.Collection: Atheist
Of late I appear To have reached that stage When people who look old Who are only my age.Collection: Birthday
A rumor is one thing that gets thicker instead of thinner as it is spread.Collection: Rumor
If I ever make a hole in one, A thrill that I've never known, I won't be believed and I'll have no fun, For I'm sure to be playing alone.Collection: Fun
Good sportsmanship we hail, we sing, It's always pleasant when you spot it. There's only one unhappy thing: You have to lose to prove that you've got it.Collection: Leadership
Some people can carry a tune, but they seem to stagger under the load.Collection: People
Each year it grows harder to make ends meet - the ends I refer to are hands and feet.Collection: Feet
There is some consolation in the fact that, even though your dreams don't come true, neither do your nightmares.Collection: Dream
Rockefeller made his money in oil, which he discovered at the bottom of wells. Oil was considered crude in those days, but so was Rockefeller. Now both are considered quite refined.Collection: Oil
The great improvement of the radio over the telephone is that it may be turned off without offending the speaker.Collection: Offending
If we cannot define stupidity, at least we can trace most human misfortunes and weaknesses to it. Its manifestations are legion, its symptoms are endless.Collection: Stupidity
Shakespeare, who never could think up a plot by himself, found this one [Macbeth] in Holinshed's Chronicles, changing it just enough so that no one would recognize the source. He didn't count on the resourcefulness of modern scholars, who have to discover things like this to become associate professors.Collection: Thinking
If you convinced me And I convinced you, Would there not still be Two points of view?Collection: Views
The bride, white of hair, is stooped over her cane Her faltering footsteps need guiding. While down the church aisle, with wan toothless smile, The groom in a wheelchair comes riding. And who is this elderly couple you ask? You'll find, when you've closely explored it, That here is that rare, most conservative pair, Who waited 'til they could afford it.Collection: Couple
How I love to get a letter! I can think of nothing better Than perusing an epistolary item. But deep is my despondence, For I've found that correspondence Means that if you want to get 'em, You must write 'em!Collection: Writing
Rather than earn money, it was Thoreau's idea to reduce his wants so that he would not need to buy anything. As he went around preaching this ingenious idea, the shopkeepers of Concord hoped he would drop dead.Collection: Money
I miss my mattress when I am gone; It's one thing I've made an impression on.Collection: Missing
If only I kept my eye on the ball, Looking downward as does the pro there, I might not see where it was going, at all, But there might be a chance it would go there.Collection: Eye
Some golfers blast their ball from traps, With one adroit explosion, But others, out in ten perhaps, Depend upon erosion.Collection: Golf
There is no balm of Gilead, No salve, no soothing ointment To stay the pain of one who's had In love a disappointment-- Unless it be that healing lotion Of fixing on a new devotion.Collection: Love
G is for Green, that's constructed to roll in every direction away from the hole.Collection: Golf
[Beowolf] is considered an epic because of its long speeches, its digressions, its repetition, and its being required.Collection: Art
(Francis) Bacon's best known writings are his essays. They are loved for many reasons, such as their being so short.Collection: Art
Although practice swings Can be helpful things, Twere better, indeed, not take any Than to fiddle and fret And before playing get Exhausted from taking too many.Collection: Golf
Adolescence isn't a period; it's a coma.Collection: Periods
"Do you want my honest opinion?" People ask. I say, "Yes," for I'm curious. So they give me their honest opinion, And I - well, I'm always furious.Collection: Honesty
Middle age is the time of life that a man first notices in his wife.Collection: Life
They head the list of bad to bet on: But I insist they're worse to get onCollection: Gambling
[John Foster Dulles] invented Brinkmanship, the most popular game since Monopoly.Collection: Games
My day-old son is plenty scrawny, his mouth is wide with screams, or yawny; His ears seem larger than he's needing, His nose is flat, his chin's receding. His skin is very, very red, He has no hair upon his head, And yet I'm proud as proud can be, To hear you say he looks like me.Collection: Son
There are very few humorists who have written first-rate humor after they've become elderly.Collection: Elderly
In such novels as This Side of Paradise and The Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald depicts the spirit of the hour which is usually about 4 a.m. His suave young men, always commuting between Princeton and The Plaza in Stutz Bearcats never sat still for long. It was too uncomfortable, with a large flask in the hip pocket.Collection: Art
This golfer has a wicked slice. And quite a follow-through. That's why his partner, who stood too close, Is on the green in two.Collection: Golf
If I ever make a hole in one, A thrill that I’ve never known, I won’t be believed and I’ll have no fun, For I’m sure to be playing alone.Collection: Fun
There are very few humorists who have written first-rate humor after they’ve become elderly.Collection: Firsts