Nick Offerman
Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment.Collection: Doctors
Men and women alike, if you think that altering the tip of your nose with surgery will make you happier, I would suggest you alter something much more malleable than your flesh, like your priorities, or your friends.Collection: Life Changing
How lucky my life is that I have two arms, and two legs, and ten fingers with which to make things out of wood.Collection: Two
No matter how you decide to spend a little more time on your gestures of giving, the point is just quite simply that you do.Collection: Life Changing
If you don't look at yourself and evaluate it, you instead see how the world's reacting to it.Collection: Looks
Whatever it is you like to do, that's the sexiest part of you.Collection: Sexiest
Marijuana is quite possibly the finest of intoxicants. It has been scientifically proven, for decades, to be much less harmful to the body than alcohol when used on a regular basis.Collection: Weed
I learned the word non-conformist in fourth grade and immediately announced that I would grow up to become one.Collection: Growing Up
I'm always pleased that I managed to stay out of jail throughout my tenure in Chicago.Collection: Jail
The key, I would say to any fledgling humorist starting out, is to make sure that sloppiness is part of your recipe. That way they come to expect fumbling and clumsiness and they say, "Oh, it must be a charming part of his personality."Collection: Keys
People keep referring to me as a standup, and that just doesn't sit well with me because a lot of my friends are standups and they're brilliant at writing jokes, and I'm not.Collection: Writing
No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor.Collection: Beautiful
When I got my job on Parks, it was so dreamy, kind of unfathomable. I didn't think a job that excellent could exist for me.Collection: Jobs
I'm quite excited to not play a Xena type character - it's probably closer to me than any character I've ever played.Collection: Character
The quest for the next key art awards begins with tomorrow's hangoverCollection: Art
The world is split into two halves: the bacon, and the bacon eaters.Collection: Life Changing
Shut your damn mouth.Collection: Life Changing
I like to play women who are not strong at all, because, there's certainly plenty of myself that is no kind of a warrior.Collection: Strong
If I had to pick one form of acting, it would be live theater. That's where I started; that's where I became a man, I think I'm still finishing up that job.Collection: Jobs
If I put down my tweeter machine for a minute, I actually can communicate with people. As an aside, astonishingly, I just started doing Twitter.Collection: People
When I got to Los Angeles, I started building cabins in peoples’ yards, building post-and-beam structures and cutting the joinery for those.Collection: Cutting
I'm a very intermediate sax player, but now that Rob Lowe is on my show, I had to cop to him. Like, 'Dude your ridiculous fake sax playing [in St. Elmo's Fire] inspired me to pick up a horn.'Collection: Player
I have a very healthy growth of both head and facial hair. People always want to attribute further superhuman powers to me. It's funny the way the audience really seems to want me, Nick the actor, to exhibit the same machismo as Ron Swanson.Collection: Hair
I just always had a penchant for performing for people.I'm a jackass clown.Collection: People
When we think of an actor, we think of a tanned, frosted-tipped, model-looking guy. We don't think of a plumber.Collection: Thinking
Auditioning for television shows - to find a guy who has a lot of experience as a laborer is a bit of an anomaly. We do exist. I know several other actors who have made their living, instead of a waitress job, framing houses or blacktopping roads.Collection: Jobs
My family has schoolteachers and librarians, and I think people who teach are probably some of our greatest American heroes. Certainly, underpaid and unsung.Collection: Hero
When I arrive in Los Angeles in the entertainment community, and I use implements like a shovel and a hammer, our society has distanced itself so far from working with its hands that those incredibly pedestrian skills are perceived as somehow being extraordinary.Collection: Hands
Doing voice work is more like recording music that people are going to listen to. You're creating an oral experience using whatever bells and whistles you have in your voice, and you can shut your eyes and use your imagination and nobody's going to see if the faces you make don't match the voices you make. That's a lot of fun.Collection: Fun
I don't know what it is on an elemental level, but a beard in general evokes hedonism. It's a more lush personal grooming style. It's more comfortable and cozy; it's less sharp and angular and businesslike. I feel like a beard is more Hobbit-like, even though Hobbits themselves are clean-shaven.Collection: Style
People are afraid that they're going to upset somebody on top, and so there's a real sense of, I've got to be quiet, I don't want to be fired.Collection: Real
I learned in my early years in the theater that I would never become the guy on top. I'll never create a show; I don't have a brain expansive enough to see the whole picture, in a way that would behoove anyone.Collection: Years
I worked mostly in television drama for my first few years. I just kept guesting on NYPD Blues and CSI-like stuff, so when I started getting work in comedy, a lot of people in the business would say, 'Oh - I didn't know you did comedy.'Collection: Drama
The first thing I do, after I talk with the director and we agree that I'm going to do the role... My jumping off point is I get a picture of what my 'look' will be. My wardrobe style, my facial hair, glasses and all that kind of stuff.Collection: Style
I made an executive decision in college when I learned how behind I was in the world of books, films, and music because of my rural upbringing. I really reduced the amount of time that sports took up in my life.I still have some Faulkner to get through.Collection: Sports
I won't read a new graphic comic novel until the writer has completed the entire series. I got burned a few times when I got turned on to a book, plowed through it only to find out the author was in the middle of writing the next.Collection: Book
When I was in fourth grade, we were learning vocabulary words, and the word nonconformist came up. The teacher said, "It's somebody who whatever everybody is doing, they do the opposite." I remember raising my hand and saying, "Mrs. Christiansen, I would like to be a nonconformist."Collection: Teacher
Before people figured out I was funny, I got cast quite a bit as either a rapist or serial killer or the guy who catches those people.Collection: People
I first read Wendell Berry's short-story collections, "Fidelity" and then "Watch with Me." They just knocked my socks off. The characters and the fellowship of the small town reminded me of my own small town in Illinois.Then I discovered that, much like J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, that all of Berry's fiction was centered in this same town.Collection: Character
The ultimate disguise is nothing. Nudity.Collection: Nudity
I always drastically changed my look for each role. It's gotten a little tedious in real life, also, because there's no hiding.Collection: Real
I'm obsessed with the Victorian era and the British Royal Navy... I'd love to play a troubled sailor or captain or a boatman on a three masted ship.Collection: Play
We realized that the world of popular culture had been creating the perfect candidate for many years: the female champion of the universe.Collection: Years
I've split my life between a few different disciplines.Collection: Discipline
I think that purity creates not only a higher level of artistic vision but a purer work ethic.Collection: Thinking
I don't put a great deal of stock in art trophies.Collection: Art
There's a lot of common sense ... which I feel like we have lost touch with.Collection: Common Sense
I don't get nominated, and I have to say, I've probably gotten the greatest mass of press in my life through not getting nominated. It's definitely been a winning situation as far as I'm concerned.Collection: Winning
When I was a kid, I lived in this small town way out in the country. We had three TV channels and one radio station. I couldn't even get my hands on good comic books. My aunt, who is a librarian, gave me Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings," Laura Ingalls Wilder's "Little House on the Prairie," and Lewis's "The Chronicles of Narnia." They were such incredible treasures to have in my somewhat mundane country life.Collection: Country