Kinky Friedman
I want to fight the wussification of the State of Texas. I want to rise and shine and bring back the glory.Collection: Fighting
This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind.Collection: Children
Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him.Collection: Country
Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.Collection: Writing
I'm ready for anything. That's probably why it never happens.Collection: Ready
There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.Collection: Differences
My plan is to bring back like the Bracero Program from 1944 that ran for 20 years where the Mexican government vets these people. I mean, they pay for it, and they get green cards, and they're actually legitimate. And then seal the border.Collection: Mean
The art of writing fiction is to sail as dangerously close to the truth as possible without sinking the shipCollection: Art
If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.Collection: Long
Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.Collection: Beauty
You've got to find what you love and let it kill you. I don't think any of us should ever forget that.Collection: Thinking
I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.Collection: Scratches
I'm not afraid to live. I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to succeed. I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm just afraid I might have to stop talking about myself for five minutes.Collection: Life
You never marry the person you first see 'Casablanca' with.Collection: Marriage
Jerry Jones and Chris Christie are probably the most important latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.Collection: Important
I'm also for gay marriage, because I say they have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us. Love is bigger than government. And Texas, by the way, has a very progressive law about gay couples adopting kids. We just won't let them get married. So that's not common sense.Collection: Couple
If you're going to be an artist, you need to be an original.Collection: Artist
I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.Collection: Thinking
I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun.Collection: Believe
Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...Collection: Hate
A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.Collection: Childhood
True love usually results in a hostage situation.Collection: Results
My definition of an artist is anyone who's ahead of his time and behind on his rent.Collection: Artist
An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.Collection: Jobs
On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.Collection: Relationship
I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.Collection: Hair
The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.Collection: Distance
Always respect your superiors, if you have any.Collection: Ifs
In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.Collection: Taken
People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they're not getting it.Collection: Honesty
I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.Collection: Drinking
If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.Collection: Inspirational
My three favorite travel writers of all time are Robert Louis Stevenson, Graham Greene, and Chuck Thompson. Smile When You're Lying not only tells the truth about the travel-writing racket, it gets to the heart of some of the travel industry's best-kept secrets.Collection: Lying
If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!Collection: Justice
Finding a cat--or having a cat find you--can change your world as much as marriage, divorce, love, death, or even winning the lottery can, and sometimes more.Collection: Cat
Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.Collection: Friday
I came from an upper-middle class home, which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear.Collection: Country
The people I respect all died broke and despairing. They didn't leave a lot of hammered iron behind them like Donald Trump has done.Collection: Iron
Always beware of people offering you one-time money. That only works in an election year. How are you going to permanently pay for education?Collection: Offering
He looked a shade too healthy and nobody likes that. Particularly in New York.Collection: New York
I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.Collection: Pain
I'm not pro-life, and I'm not pro-choice. I'm pro-football.Collection: Football
Remember, I'm not running against Rick Perry; I'm running against apathy.Collection: Running
Like most of us, I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.Collection: Determined
If you gotta kill two birds, might as well get stoned.Collection: Two
Remember, the Legislature is the joke, not our campaign.Collection: Campaigns
It wasn't a healthy attitude, but it wasn't really a healthy world.Collection: Attitude
Cuban cigars is a big expense because I do smoke a lot of them, eight to 12 a day, so that would be almost as bad as a cocaine habit, a hundred bucks a day.Collection: Eight
I believe that voices like Ross Perot, Pat Buchanan, Ralph Nader should be heard. They don't have to be president. Give 'em a chance.Collection: Believe