David Letterman
Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here.Collection: Running
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.Collection: Jobs
Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'Collection: Television
Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.Collection: Funny
Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.Collection: Fighting
One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.Collection: Beer
Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.Collection: Cutting
He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.Collection: Heart
There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.Collection: Mail
The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'Collection: Book
Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.Collection: Missing
Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.Collection: Nbc
There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.Collection: Jobs
According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'Collection: White
Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.Collection: Looks
Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.Collection: Guy
Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall.Collection: Airplane
John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for.Collection: John Kerry
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.Collection: Hair
What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their "excessive" lifestyle.Collection: Hate
Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'Collection: Hair
It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.Collection: Iraq
Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.Collection: Country
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.Collection: New York
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!Collection: Coffee
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.Collection: Moving
All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.Collection: Comedian
Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.Collection: Tortillas
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.Collection: New York
Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.Collection: New York
A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.Collection: Jobs
Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'Collection: Couple
I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.Collection: Believe
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.Collection: Gay
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.Collection: Iowa
Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.Collection: Education
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.Collection: Sex
This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.Collection: Opportunity
Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.Collection: Mother
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.Collection: Waiting
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.Collection: Running
Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.Collection: Believe
How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.Collection: California
The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.Collection: Good Luck
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.Collection: Running
Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at hillary@pantsuit.com.Collection: Apples
Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.Collection: Worry
Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.Collection: Ebola
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.Collection: White