Darynda Jones
I love language, words, and all the lovely, exciting, and heart wrenching things you can do with them. Pick the right ones, put them in the right order, and you’ve created a moment in time where the reader forgets about the late car payment, the dirty dishes, the impending workweek. You have created a state of bliss. Or negligence, depending on your perspective.Collection: Dirty
If life hands you lemons,keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.-T-ShirtCollection: Hands
Writing is transcendental. It is a form of expression, a form of art that you can take anywhere. That you can do anywhere. It poses the deepest questions in the universe. It generates emotion. It elicits empathy, promotes learning, creates an intellect you simply cannot get from any other medium. For me, it is air.Collection: Art
Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.Collection: Hours
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirtCollection: Add
Life is not about finding yourself. It's mostly about chocolate. T-ShirtCollection: Creating Life
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up. - Charley DavidsonCollection: Strong
Your existence gives me a headache. Go stand over there.Collection: Giving
Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.Collection: Nectar
How would you like your eggs?" I tried. I really did. But I glanced at his crotch and it came out anyway. "Fertilized?Collection: Eggs
A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?" BUMPER STICKERCollection: Waiting
When life hands you lemons say, "Lemons? What else have you got?" - bumper stickerCollection: Hands
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirtCollection: Running
That’s the thing about things. They tend to happen.Collection: Happens
Surely my macking on some guy in an insane asylum wouldn't hurt him. He'd been living with his stalker, for heaven's sake.Collection: Hurt
SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRTCollection: Girl
You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4.--T-SHIRTCollection: Stupid
Genius has its limitations. Insanity...not so much" -Bumper StickerCollection: Insanity
Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.Collection: Nice
Hello?" I said, because Charley's House of Pasties seemed wrong.Collection: House
I know karate, and like two other Japanese words - T-SHIRTCollection: Two
He's an enigma wrapped up in sensuality padlocked with a dozen chains of desire and topped off with a razor-sharp ribbon of danger. There are more layers to him than a billionaire's wedding cake.Collection: Cake
I had a soft spot for crazy people.Collection: Crazy
Let me express how much I don't care on a scale of one to bite me," the former detective said.Collection: Care
after an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc.Collection: Running
guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? -Inspirational posterCollection: Guy
I brought out the most powerful tool I had in my arsenal. "If you resist," I said into Reyes's ear, "I'll be forced to Taser you." He looked at what I had in my hand. "That's a phone." "I have an app. You'll probably experience nerve damage. Slight memory loss.Collection: Memories
At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.Collection: Lying
Looks like macho boy's cool just melted like a Slush Puppie in August.Collection: Boys
Whatever makes your balloon red, Swopes.Collection: Red
I may as well cut my losses and make a hasty exit while I still had enough self-esteem to walk upright. Crawling was so demoralizingCollection: Self Esteem
But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - " Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.Collection: Men
There comes a moment when you know you just aren't going to do anything esle productive for the rest of the day.-T-ShirtCollection: T Shirt
I'm sorry to have to tell you this way, but your mother and I are separating." When I pressed my mouth together, he corrected, "Stepmother. We're just - We're going in different directions." "I don't know what to say, Dad. 'Hurray' just seems wrong.Collection: Mother
I know," he said in almost bored contemplation. "My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood." "I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.Collection: Mother
I may not have any skeletons in my closet, but I do have a little box of souls in my sock drawer. —T-SHIRTCollection: Skeletons
She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.Collection: Crystals
I’m currently unsupervised It frisks me out too but the possibilities are endlessCollection: Possibility
It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle. —T-SHIRTCollection: Fun
It would be a miracle to solve this case. Luckily, I believed in miracles. No, wait, that was testicles. I believed in testicles.Collection: Waiting
Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)Collection: T Shirt
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRTCollection: Naps
The police never find it as funny as you do.-T-ShirtCollection: Police
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster and with more energy!Collection: Stupid
We stood there, the three of us, our jaws firmly planted on the floor. Aunt Lil recovered first. She nudged me with her elbow and said with a cackle of delight, "I think you guys should make some more of those brownies, 'cause that boy looks hungry.Collection: Aunt
He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.Collection: Clueless
What's your specialty? Oh, you know. Madness. Mayhem. Debauchery. And even with all that going for me, I can still make a mean mojito.Collection: Mean
I have them a few minutes to absorb everything while I teased Ubie, who only had to recover from his near-death experience. I was so glad Reyes hadn't ripped him to shreds. I liked him much better un-shredded. Unlike, say, my preference for lettuce or heavy metal guitar solos.Collection: Guitar
I'll call if I break a leg or get eaten by a bear." "Play like a rock." "Now?" "No, if a bear starts eating you." I thought for a moment before replying. "Do they have screaming, sobbing rocks, 'cause that's probably what I'll be doing if a bear is gnawing my arm off." "It would be difficult to just lay there and be eaten alive, huh?" "Ya think?Collection: Thinking