Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 42
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 42 provides more funny quotes.
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?Collection: Funny
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?Collection: Funny
All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.Collection: Funny
Yeah. Some people just don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous.Collection: Funny
It's looks like someone slapped you in the face with a fruit roll-up or something!Collection: Funny
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.Collection: Funny
I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowdCollection: Funny
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve youCollection: Funny
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.Collection: Funny
There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.Collection: Funny
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.Collection: Funny
Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don't take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don't worship them. 6. Don't get your hopes up.Collection: Funny
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.Collection: Funny
With the possible exception of God during the writing of the Bible, every writer in history has needed an editor. So do you.Collection: Funny
May we now all rise and sing the eternal school hymn: "Attack. Attack. Attack Attack Attack!"Collection: Funny
I was six foot one inch when I started fighting, but with all the uppercuts I'm up to six foot five inches.Collection: Funny
What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start.Collection: Funny
Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goalo.Collection: Funny
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.Collection: Funny
Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.Collection: Funny
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.Collection: Funny
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.Collection: Funny
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.Collection: Funny
I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination.Collection: Funny
I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable.Collection: Funny
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.Collection: Funny
Every time I hear the name Joe Louis my nose starts to bleed.Collection: Funny
Being a journalist, Hacker had no particular talent for reporting facts.Collection: Funny
You've only got to be in public life for about a week before you start to question if the newspapers are even giving you today's date with any accuracy!Collection: Funny
Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.Collection: Funny
It seems that boredom is one of the greatest discoveries of our time. If so, there's no question but that he must be considered a pioneer.Collection: Funny
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.Collection: Funny
Just like at Hirojima, when Pearl Harbor bombed the Germans!Collection: Funny
Do you want to be mesmermized by the physical phenomenon?Collection: Funny
Big Poppa Pump is your hook up, and the next heavyweight championship of the world!Collection: Funny
I'm one of the most decorated tag teams ever!Collection: Funny
Now I've wrestled alotta countries!Collection: Funny
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.Collection: Funny
It's money. I remember it from when I was singleCollection: Funny
The mistakes of the fool are known to the world, but not to himself. The mistakes of the wise man are known to himself, but not to the world.Collection: Funny
Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.Collection: Funny
Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.Collection: Funny
I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?Collection: Funny
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.Collection: Funny
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!Collection: Funny
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.Collection: Funny
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'Collection: Funny
As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'Collection: Funny
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.Collection: Funny