Adam Ferrara
I remember for my 18th birthday, I was going to get a tattoo, and I made the mistake of thinking I was a man and telling my father, and he was like, 'Oh yeah? You better tattoo a new address on your arm, because you're not living here!' And that was the end of that discussion.Collection: Birthday
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.Collection: Funny
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!Collection: Funny
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.Collection: Funny
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'Collection: Funny
As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'Collection: Funny
I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.Collection: Jobs
I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.Collection: Distance
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.Collection: Funny
There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.Collection: Funny
My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'Collection: Funny
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'Collection: Funny
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.Collection: Funny
I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'Collection: Home
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.Collection: Funny
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.Collection: Funny
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.Collection: Girlfriend
I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.Collection: Funny
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'Collection: Funny
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'Collection: Funny
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.Collection: Funny
I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'Collection: Funny
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.Collection: Funny
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'Collection: Funny
My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.Collection: Dad
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'Collection: Funny
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.Collection: Funny
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'Collection: Years
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.Collection: Funny
If you're in California and it's raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It's like it's raining frogs. They're terrified.Collection: Rain
I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.Collection: Thinking
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.Collection: Funny
I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.Collection: Funny
I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'Collection: Funny