Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 43
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 43 provides more funny quotes.
My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'Collection: Funny
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'Collection: Funny
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.Collection: Funny
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.Collection: Funny
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.Collection: Funny
I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.Collection: Funny
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'Collection: Funny
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'Collection: Funny
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.Collection: Funny
I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'Collection: Funny
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.Collection: Funny
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'Collection: Funny
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'Collection: Funny
Anyone can drink beer, but it takes intelligence to enjoy beer.Collection: Funny
A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation.Collection: Funny
Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.Collection: Funny
Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit.Collection: Funny
It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.Collection: Funny
You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the s*** knocked out of meCollection: Funny
If you fake the funk, your nose will grow.Collection: Funny
You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you'll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you'll probably become a physicist.Collection: Funny
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.Collection: Funny
On hitting a shaken opponent - His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce.Collection: Funny
Being a lady is an attitude.Collection: Funny
I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.Collection: Funny
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactlyCollection: Funny
When I first met Jack, I was terrified of him. I wasn't expecting a fun, laughing, enjoyable, exciting guy. I walked into his office like most people, with my knees knocking together. I was scared.Collection: Funny
Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.Collection: Funny
Since I've retired, I eat less, weigh less, train less and care less.Collection: Funny
A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.Collection: Funny
Thirty, thirty-five, forty, all had come to visit her like admonitory relatives, and all had slipped away without a trace, without a sound, and now, once again, she was waiting.Collection: Funny
If someone tells you you're not beautiful, turn around and walk away so they can have a great view of your fabulous ass.Collection: Funny
What do women want? Shoes.Collection: Funny
Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother.Collection: Funny
Nostalgia is heroin for old people.Collection: Funny
If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?Collection: Funny
I think the English are bipolar. 'We're the greatest, no we're terrible' - that's a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there's little poverty - yet it's always the worst time to have lived here.Collection: Funny
My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.Collection: Funny
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.Collection: Funny
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.Collection: Funny
I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux KlanCollection: Funny
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.Collection: Funny
No country has suffered so much from the ruins of war while being at peace as the American.Collection: Funny
Q: Does this train stop at Brighton? A: I hope so or there's going to be a hell of a splash.Collection: Funny
I hope his breath wasn't too bad for 'Bron.'Collection: Funny
Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian Cup?Collection: Funny
Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?Collection: Funny
I find that rock climbing is the finest, most healthiest sport in the whole world. It is much healthier than most; look at baseball, where 10 000 sit on their ass to watch a handful of playersCollection: Funny
Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed.Collection: Funny