Louis C. K.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.Collection: Time
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.Collection: Hope
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.Collection: Failure
I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.Collection: Work
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.Collection: Positive
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.Collection: Famous
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'Collection: Dating
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.Collection: Marriage
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.Collection: Sports
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.Collection: Humor
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.Collection: Car
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.Collection: Romantic
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.Collection: Diet
I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.Collection: Computers
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.Collection: Smile
Perception is created and twisted so quickly.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.
I don't have a brother in real life.
Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.
I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.
I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
Life is full of horrible mistakes.
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.
I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.
I was an awkward kid.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
Oh, I love stand-up.
The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.
I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.
Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.
There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.