Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 44
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 44 provides more funny quotes.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?Collection: Funny
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!Collection: Funny
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it.Collection: Funny
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.Collection: Funny
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.Collection: Funny
Dreams come true all the time, just not for the dreamersCollection: Funny
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.Collection: Funny
Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3Collection: Funny
Ya know it's funny, what's happening to us. Our lives have become digital. Our friends, now virtual. And, anything you could ever wanna know is just a click away. Experiencing the world through second hand information isn't enough. If we want authenticity we have to initiate it. We will never know our full potential unless we push ourselves to find it. It's this self-discovery that inevitably takes us to the wildest places on earth.Collection: Funny
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.Collection: Funny
The only thing that lasts longer than a friend's love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.Collection: Funny
Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'Collection: Funny
Unfortunately, he was about as deep as a melted ice cube.Collection: Funny
I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit bootie?Collection: Funny
I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.Collection: Funny
The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less.Collection: Funny
In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"Collection: Funny
I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.Collection: Funny
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.Collection: Funny
We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.Collection: Funny
The difference between farce and humour in literature is, I suppose, that farce strums louder and louder on one string, while humour varies its note, changes its key, grows and spreads and deepens until it may indeed reach tragic depths.Collection: Funny
All I want for my birthday is another birthday.Collection: Funny
I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.Collection: Funny
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 and get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.Collection: Funny
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.Collection: Funny
Yes, I thought I was joining Manchester United, I was misled by all involved. I wasnt aware of another Manchester teamCollection: Funny
While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.Collection: Funny
And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.Collection: Funny
What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?Collection: Funny
I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.Collection: Funny
Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.Collection: Funny
That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?Collection: Funny
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.Collection: Funny
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.Collection: Funny
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.Collection: Funny
They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.Collection: Funny
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.Collection: Funny
I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.Collection: Funny
I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.Collection: Funny
I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.Collection: Funny
There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.Collection: Funny
I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head openCollection: Funny
The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were moved.Collection: Funny
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.Collection: Funny
I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.Collection: Funny
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.Collection: Funny
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?Collection: Funny
We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them.Collection: Funny
No, I don't understand my husband's theory of relativity, but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted.Collection: Funny