Jimmy Carr
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.Collection: Marriage
After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.Collection: Wisdom
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.Collection: Funny
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.Collection: Failure
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
I don't see myself as offending people.
I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.Collection: Funny
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.Collection: Funny
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'Collection: Funny
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.Collection: Funny
Say what you want about the deaf.Collection: Nihilism
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"Collection: Funny
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.Collection: Years
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!Collection: Funny
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.Collection: Saws
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.Collection: Sex
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.Collection: Funny
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.Collection: Funny
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.Collection: Funny
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.Collection: Funny
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.Collection: Funny
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."Collection: Funny
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.Collection: Dog
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.Collection: Littles
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.Collection: Funny
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.Collection: Funny