Jasper Carrott
Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.Collection: Happiness
Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.Collection: Best
When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all.
My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word.
If I were to ask you who the first million-pound show winner was on British TV, you'd probably go for Judith Keppel. She was, indeed, the first 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' contestant to win £1 million, but the first one on TV was actually Clare Barwick, who won £1 million on Chris Evans' show 'TFI Friday.'
I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.
Touring has been a major part of my career. I've done a lot of huge shows, including a 13-night sell-out stint at the Indoor Arena in Birmingham, playing to a total audience of 65,000.
I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.
I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from.
I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line.
I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.
I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy.
I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.
The impact of T.V. on our lives in general gets most things out of proportion.
The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests.
I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure.
I have been known to play a few rounds in my time. I'm not obsessive; I don't play in the dark, but even that's not out of the question because Stevie Wonder is also a golfer.
I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance in the game, which is more than can be said of tennis.
I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.
There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.
Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.
My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.
There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal.
I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink.
After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?'
I started to develop my comedy skills when I became resident singer at the Boggery Folk Club in Solihull. My career blossomed from there, and I became a big draw on the folk-club circuit.
Celador always ask me to do their shows, and I turned down 'Millionaire.' I couldn't have done it as well as Chris Tarrant, or at least I couldn't have done it any better.
I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist.
When you're six years old, the word 'poo' is the funniest word on God's earth, but this insults my intelligence.
My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.
Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles.
Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.
When the amalgam is delivered to your dentist in a special protective box, he has to take extreme caution when handling the stuff: with masks, gloves, gowns, goggles, all needed to protect him from danger. He then drills your teeth and rams the mixture into your cavities, whereupon it becomes miraculously, instantly safe!
I learned a lot about human nature. So much, in fact, that human nature will be my specialist subject on 'Mastermind'.
If you were asked to go on 'Mastermind,' what would your specialist subject be? I wouldn't have a clue what I could answer questions on. Birmingham City Football Club would be a start, I suppose, but with a hundred odd years of history, thousands of matches, players and incidents to recall, even access to Google would leave me struggling.
They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.Collection: Men
Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the BeatlesCollection: World
I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.Collection: Funny