Gracie Allen
When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.Collection: Mothers
This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.Collection: Government
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.Collection: Teacher
The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
The on-stage Gracie may look poised, but the real Gracie is shy, a little self-conscious, and, before every performance of my life, panicky.
Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.
I really don't act. I just live what George and I are doing. It has to make some sort of sense to me, or it won't ring true. No matter what the script says, there's no audience and no footlights and no camera for me. There's no make-believe. It's for real.
My mind works so fast. When I think of something I say it. Lots of times I say it even before I think of it.Collection: Thinking
This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.Collection: Food
I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water,I simply defrost it.Collection: Water
A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.Collection: Fall
A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, "Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.Collection: Children
I don't see what difference it makes what side it's [your bread] buttered on. I always eat both sides.Collection: Differences
Classic Recipe for Roast Beef: 1 large Roast of beef 1 small Roast of beef Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.Collection: Food
Never place a period where God has placed a comma.Collection: Funny
We favor putting Congress on a commission basis. Pay them for results. If they do a good job and the country prospers, they get 10% of the extra take.Collection: Country
They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.Collection: Stupidity
Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.Collection: Funny
I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.Collection: Thinking
Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time - and millions are doing nothing because it's the best offer they've had this week. It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren't quite so smart.Collection: Smart
Gracie: "Don't give up, Blanche. Women don't do that. Look at Betsy Ross, Martha Washington-they didn't give up. Look at Nina Jones." Blanche Morton: "Nina Jones?" Gracie: "I've never heard of her either, because she gave up."Collection: Determination
I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.Collection: Inspirational
Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.Collection: Feet
Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.Collection: Trying
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.Collection: Life
All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for their country, which is ridiculous. I haven't done anything yet, and I think it's just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share.Collection: Country
I'm having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there's no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you'll have no use for after you're elected.Collection: Running
I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don't know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I'm waiting for the returns to come in.Collection: Thinking
I'm the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.Collection: Hats
A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy.Collection: Funny
Every man is born with the ability to do something well. This is what the Lord intended him to do. Using that ability - what life is all about.Collection: Life
You've buttered your bread, now sleep in it.Collection: Sleep
Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.Collection: Men
As a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, "Don't go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down."Collection: Men
It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else.Collection: Horse
The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.Collection: World
This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I'll have to send in a force to restore order.Collection: Country
You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?Collection: Funny Marriage
Cultivate friendships. If you don't have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.Collection: Bonus
When you learn to make everybody happy, you will possess the golden secret of how to milk the contented voters. But do it in such a way that they won't think you want them to vote for you just because you need the money. They need the money, and besides, they can think up other reasons if they try.Collection: Thinking
It's a game everybody plays. If you see a man with a beard and holler "Beaver!" it's five points. And if you see a man with a moustache, it's onlI three points.Collection: Men
I left my car parked at the top of Lombard Street Hill, and I forgot to put the breaks on. It's the funniest thing. The car is running down the hill.Collection: Running