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I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.
I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.
There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.
If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!
George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!Collection: Dad
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!Collection: Mother
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!Collection: Night
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!Collection: Children
Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!Collection: Cancer
Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"Collection: Funny
Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!Collection: Girl
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!Collection: Kings
Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!Collection: Wife
Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!Collection: Mean
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!Collection: Kings
Eve said to the serpent, “You know I could go for a bite to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.”Collection: Adam
Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!Collection: Night
Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!Collection: Mother
Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!Collection: Queens
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!Collection: Want
George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.Collection: Kids
Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!Collection: Dinner
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!Collection: House
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!Collection: Giving
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!Collection: Ice
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!Collection: Ears
Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!Collection: Mother
Abraham Lincoln, who said, A house divided... is a condominium. Never got a dinner!Collection: House
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!Collection: Looks
Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.Collection: Girl
Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?Collection: Growing Up
Rip Van Winkle, who said, Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom. Never got a dinner!Collection: Rip
Michelangelo's girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint - let's put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!Collection: Girlfriend
Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!Collection: Heart
Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!Collection: Wife
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!Collection: Home
Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, Stop needling me. Never got a dinner!Collection: Husband
Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, Is all that for me? Never got a dinner!Collection: Baby
Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!Collection: Paper
John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!Collection: Sorry
Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!Collection: Groups
Dean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner!Collection: Uncles
Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, Why do you need an airbag? Never got a dinner!Collection: Needs
Gandhi, who went to Wendy's and asked, "Where's the belief?" Never got a dinner!Collection: Dinner
Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!Collection: New York
Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!Collection: Dinner
Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!Collection: Men