Karl Pilkington
To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.Collection: Pet
At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is.Collection: Brainy
Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.Collection: Brainy
To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?Collection: Marriage
And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.Collection: Wedding
I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.Collection: Pet
Chinese people age overnight.Collection: Age
I've never worried about life's big questions.
With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?
I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?
I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.
Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.
I don't know what 'famous' is, really.
I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference.
For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.
I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.
Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.
I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.
If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.
You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.
I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.
I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.
We should all love animals.
I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.
Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.
People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?
All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.
I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.
Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'
If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.
It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.
It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.
I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.
I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.
A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?
People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!
People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.
I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?
I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.
People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door.
Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.
That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.
Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.
I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.
I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.
Comedy's really subjective, you know.
I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.
If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.