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Bob Monkhouse Quotes

Bob Monkhouse

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Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
- Bob Monkhouse
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I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
- Bob Monkhouse
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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Dad
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Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Horse
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With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Sex
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Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Drawing
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It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Girl
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I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: People
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My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Love
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny Marriage
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A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Laughter
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What do gardeners do when they retire?
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Laughing
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I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Golf
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I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Wife
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I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Thinking
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I got my start in silent radio.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Creative
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I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Winner
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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Real
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Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Funny
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My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.
- Bob Monkhouse
Collection: Father

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