George Mikes
In England only uneducated people show off their knowledge; nobody quotes Latin or Greek authors in the course of conversation, unless he has never read them.Collection: Knowledge
On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.Collection: Food
An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.Collection: Alone
Many Continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game.
When people say England, they sometimes mean Great Britain, sometimes the United Kingdom, sometimes the British Isles, - but never England.
The world still consists of two clearly divided groups: the English and the foreigners. One group consists of less than 50 million people; the other of 3,950 million. The latter group does not really count.
Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.
The man who is not afraid of danger is not a hero, but a psychopath.Collection: Hero
THE British are brave people. They can face anything, except reality.Collection: Reality
You can keep a dog: but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.Collection: Dog
Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a country, he thought despairingly. In Russia you always knew. If a man made a stern face he was threatening; if he was laughing uproariously, he was joking.Collection: Funny
It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.Collection: Funny
Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.Collection: Funny
A dog will flatter you but you have to flatter the cat.Collection: Dog
On the Continent there is one topic which should be avoided-the weather; in England, if you do not repeat the phrase "Lovely day, isn't it?" at least two hundred times a day, you are considered a bit dull.Collection: Weather
The English take everything with an exquisite sense of humour. They are only offended if you tell them that they have no sense of humour.Collection: Language
People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth.Collection: Funny
Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and, generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school.Collection: Funny
English humor resembles the Loch Ness Monster in that both are famous but there is a strong suspicion that neither exists.Collection: Strong
The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.Collection: Funny
Travel' is the name of a modern disease which became rampant in themid-fifties and is still spreading. The disease - its scientific name is travelitis furiosus - is carried by a germ called prosperity.Collection: Travel
'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'Collection: Funny
In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.Collection: Funny
The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.Collection: Funny
You must not refuse any additional cups of tea under the following circumstances: if it is hot; if it is cold; if you are tired; if anybody thinks that you might be tired; if you are nervous; if you are gay; before you go out; if you are out; if you have just returned home; if you feel like it; if you do not feel like it; if you have had no tea for some time; if you have just had a cup.Collection: Home
The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.Collection: Funny
Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.Collection: Funny
There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.Collection: Funny
In England it is bad manners to be clever, to assert something confidently. It may be your own personal view that two and two make four, but you must not state it in a self-assured way, because this is a democratic country and others may be of a different opinion.Collection: Country
Japan suffered terribly from the atomic bomb but never adopted a pose of moral superiority, implying: 'We would never have done it!' The Japanese know perfectly well they would have used it had they had it. They accept the idea that war is war; they give no quarter and accept none. Total war, they recognize, knows no Queensberry Rules. If you develop a devastating new weapon during a total war, you use it; you do not put it into the War Museum.Collection: Funny
It is often said that the Japanese are extremely clean at home, or inside any house or office, but dirty and untidy outside. 'Go and look at a railway station,' I was told, 'and you'll be horrified.' I went and was horrified; horrified by the cleanliness of the place.Collection: Funny
To be extravagant you need money. True. But you do not need your own money.Collection: Money
Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.Collection: Funny
If somebody tells you an obviously untrue story, on the Continent you would remark, "You are a liar, Sir, and a rather dirty one at that." In England you just say "Oh, is that so?" Or "That's rather an unusual story, isn't it?Collection: Liars
Australia objects to the mini-skirt not on moral but on economic grounds. Australians are no prudes and the lovely, healthy, sporty Australian girls have no reason to hide their knees and thighs. However, the mini-skirt is disastrous for the wool-trade.Collection: Funny
Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It is the finest place to die in - it has always been acknowledged. It has a joie de mourir quite its own.Collection: Funny
The English are always ready to admire anything so long as they can queue up.Collection: Long
The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead.Collection: Funny
When a wicked and unworthy subject annoyed the Sultan of Turkey or the Czar of Russia, he had his head cut of without much ceremony; but when the same happened in England, the monarch declared : "We are not amused".Collection: Funny
American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the most primitive technical arrangements; on the American air the world's most primitive writing is performed under perfect technical conditions.Collection: Funny
In the field of snobbery, Australia is an underdeveloped country; even a few British ex-colonies, regarded as under developed in all other respects, could export a great deal of snobbery to Australia and still have enough to spare for their own, internal needs.Collection: Funny
Foreigners have souls; the English haven't.Collection: Soul
I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.Collection: Funny
To have created a Welfare State was a great achievement; but we must go on to create a Welfare Planet.Collection: Achievement
The Japanese are human beings like the rest of us, but they will strongly resent this insinuation.Collection: Funny
Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic.Collection: Funny
A criminal may improve and become a decent member of society. A foreigner cannot improve. Once a foreigner, always a foreigner. There is no way out for him.Collection: Criminals
The trouble with tea is that originally it was quite a good drink. So a group of the most eminent British scientists put their heads together and made complicated biological experiments to find a way of spoiling it. To the eternal glory of British science, their labour bore fruit.Collection: Tea
If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity.Collection: Funny
In England the boy pats his adored one on the back and says softly, "I don't object, you know." If he is quite mad with passion, he may add: "I rather fancy you, in fact.Collection: Passion