Woody Allen
My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.Collection: Men
I always felt that the problems of the world would never ever be solved until people came to terms with the deeper issues [spiritual] - that there would be an aimless reshuffling of world leaders and governments and programs.Collection: Spiritual
Visually I've always liked the 20s 30s for film. I do these because I like the music. I like the clothes. I like the way the women and the guys look. There are soldiers and sailors and gangsters with the machine guns in their violin cases. It's a very colorful era of New York, full of great theater and great nightclubs and great jazz.Collection: New York
Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant.Collection: Beautiful
One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.Collection: People
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.Collection: Marriage
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.Collection: Funny
Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.Collection: Vegetables
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.Collection: Work
Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.Collection: Sex
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.Collection: Funny
There is no justice, there is no rational structure to it [life]. That is just the way it is, and each person figures out some way to cope.Collection: Justice
I could turn on my radio in the morning when I was getting dressed for school and hear Frank Sinatra and Duke Ellington and Benny Goodman and think this is the music. Now that music is art. Ellington is art. At that time it was just what you heard on the radio. Cole Porter was just a guy who wrote pretty songs and Billie Holliday would sing them.Collection: Song
[Stanley] Kubrick was a great artist and a perfectionist. He always wanted the exact right thing. He did a million takes. Everything had to be perfect. I'm an imperfectionist. I don't really care that much about the work. I write quickly. I'm careless. I shoot carelessly.Collection: Writing
I don't own a computer. I've never seen anything online at all - nothing. I don't own a word processor. I have none of that stuff. It's not an act of rebellion. I'm just not a gadget person.Collection: Gadgets
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.Collection: Money
I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.Collection: Years
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.Collection: Funny
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.Collection: Funny
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.Collection: Witty
By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using 'hermeneutics,' when they meant 'heuristic'.Collection: Mistake
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.Collection: Funny
You can be distracted by your love life, by the baseball game, movies, by the nonsense. "Can I get my kid into this private school? Can I get this girl to go out with me Saturday night? Am I going to get the promotion in my office?" All this stuff, but in the end the universe burns out. So I think it's completely meaningless.Collection: Girl
There's something about my films; they're informed by my sensibility. I have the same preoccupations, the same interests... there's just something in the nuance, and so you always know it's a film of mine whether I sign my name to it or not.Collection: Names
I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.Collection: Divorce
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.Collection: Funny
Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.Collection: Love Is
Relationships are really what interest me the most. And I think, in the end, they interest most people the most. Even when you read Tolstoy or something, basically they're about man and woman relationships.Collection: Men
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.Collection: Funny
We live in far too permissive a society. Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are so badly lit!Collection: Censorship
The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst thing you could say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death.Collection: Thinking
I am an only child. I have one sister.Collection: Funny
The less I speak to the actors, the better. And I always hire great people, and I don't want to impose my pre-conceived notions on them. They know how to play it.Collection: Play
You can't work at a relationship; you can't control it. You have to be lucky and go through your life. If you are not lucky you have to be prepared for some degree of suffering. That's why most relationships are very difficult and have some degree of pain. People stay together because of inertia, they don't have the energy. Because they are frightened of being lonely, or they have children.Collection: Lonely
Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.Collection: Powerful
I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.Collection: Mad
I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.Collection: Sports
If you can delude yourself by believing that there is some kind of Santa Claus out there who is going to bail you out in the end, then it will help you get through. Even if you are proven wrong in the end, you would have had a better life than a non-believer.Collection: Believe
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.Collection: Witty
Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.Collection: House
People say that death is a part of life and there must be something to it, but I just see it as bad news and I want everybody to stop sugarcoating it.Collection: People
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.Collection: Funny
History is the same thing over and over again.Collection: Fitness Motivational
The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.Collection: Maturity
The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass.Collection: Silly
I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, [and] receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.Collection: Angel
Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.Collection: Needs
Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.Collection: Body
There is an advantage in having a routine and working with the same people when you can and in writing as a regular thing and filming as a regular thing. That routine pays off for you. You get a lot of productivity that way, rather than sitting around waiting for inspiration and waiting for the perfect thing to happen. I would be much less productive that way.Collection: Inspiration