Woody Allen
I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.Collection: Reality
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.Collection: Wisdom
Well, if I don't get at least 16 hours, I'm a basket case.Collection: Hours
If I was to see any of my films now I would feel, oh god you know it's awful I could do that so much better now. Look at all the terrible things I did and all the mistakes and all the compromises and all the blunders I made, and it would be such a terrible experience for me to see them. So it's better that I put it out and move on to the next thing and make it history as quickly as possible.Collection: Mistake
I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't want to give me money to make films, that will stop me. But as long as people come all over the world and I have an audience and I have ideas for films, I will do them for as long as I enjoy the process. And I like the whole process of making a film.Collection: Ideas
It's important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don't, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn't work either.Collection: People
People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.Collection: Girl
For me personally - because I do it myself - the scoring of a picture is fun. I edit the picture and when I've finished I go into my room and I have many many records - jazz, classical and popular music. And I have this all at my disposal. I don't have to get a composer.Collection: Fun
For some reason it gives people pleasure to equate the life of certain movie actors or actresses with their actual lives.Collection: People
I never ever see a film of mine after I release it to the public. I see it when I shoot it in my dailies and while I'm editing it, re-editing it and reshooting it and all that. By the time it's finished I never want to see it again.Collection: Editing
If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me.Collection: Lying
I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies.Collection: Years
My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benignCollection: Inspiration
I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.Collection: Meat
I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you.Collection: Thinking
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.Collection: Sex
Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life - and chess.Collection: Mistake
He's a politician. That's a notch below child molester.Collection: Children
Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.Collection: Stress
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.Collection: Ice
I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.Collection: Crazy
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.Collection: Funny
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.Collection: Funny
Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.Collection: God
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.Collection: Life
I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?Collection: Afterlife
There will be no major solution to the suffering of humanity until we reach some understanding of who we are, what the purpose of creation was, what happens after death. Until those questions are resolved we are caught.Collection: Philosophy
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.Collection: Witty
There is something about big cities that turns me on, and for whatever mysterious reason, places like New York and Paris inspire me. I think it's because cities represent civilization, and as crime-ridden and broken down as some of them are, it's still better than skipping through a meadow.Collection: New York
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.Collection: Witty
God is either cruel or incompetent.Collection: Incompetent
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?Collection: Immature
You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in lifeCollection: Art
You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.Collection: Eye
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.Collection: Funny
I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.Collection: Fields
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.Collection: Witty
My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.Collection: People
Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.Collection: New York
"Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.Collection: Terrible
There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you.Collection: Theater
Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.Collection: Sex
[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!Collection: Television Watching
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?Collection: Men
I've never dated a fictional character before. The closest I ever came was an Italian.Collection: Character
At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.Collection: Funny
I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn't win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.Collection: Winning
... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!Collection: Funny
Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.Collection: Reality