W. C. Fields
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.Collection: Scotch
I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.Collection: Drinking
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.Collection: Funny
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).Collection: Reading
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.Collection: Funny
Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.Collection: Money
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.Collection: Pigs
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.Collection: Funny
Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.Collection: Girl
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.Collection: Funny
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.Collection: Cheating
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.Collection: Funny
I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.Collection: Drinking
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.Collection: Ambition
I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.Collection: Humorous
We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.Collection: Drinking
Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!Collection: Trying
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.Collection: Girl
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.Collection: Funny
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?Collection: Cost Of Living
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.Collection: Drinking
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.Collection: Doctors
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.Collection: Tragedy
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.Collection: Hate
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.Collection: Pain
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.Collection: Trust
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.Collection: Children
Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for XmasCollection: Religious
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.Collection: Should Have
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.Collection: Wife
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.Collection: Drinking
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.Collection: Funny
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?Collection: Food
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.Collection: Funny
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.Collection: President
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!Collection: Drinking
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.Collection: Drink
There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.Collection: Sex
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.Collection: Would Be
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.Collection: Agents
Ain't fit for man nor beastCollection: Men
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.Collection: Men
Happiness means quiet nerves.Collection: Mean
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.Collection: Marriage
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.Collection: Drinking
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.Collection: Lying
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.Collection: Differences
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.Collection: Names
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.Collection: Dream