W. C. Fields
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.Collection: Gambling
You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.Collection: People
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.Collection: Indecisive
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.Collection: Funny
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.Collection: Nice
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.Collection: Emotion
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.Collection: Drinking
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.Collection: Inspirational
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.Collection: Sex
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.Collection: People
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.Collection: Funny
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.Collection: Two
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.Collection: Running
If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.Collection: Saloons
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.Collection: Comedian
The best thing to break is a contract.Collection: Break
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)Collection: Funny
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.Collection: Writing
Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.Collection: Drinking
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.Collection: Drinking
In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.Collection: Running
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.Collection: Movie
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?Collection: Funny
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.Collection: Giving
I would rather be living in Philadelphia.Collection: Comedy
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.Collection: Twenties
Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.Collection: Wine
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.Collection: Years
It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.Collection: Couple
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.Collection: Men
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.Collection: Comedian
Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.Collection: World
I can do anything I want to do!Collection: Want
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.Collection: Funny
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.Collection: Games
I'm searching for loopholes.Collection: Loopholes
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.Collection: Wells
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.Collection: Mom
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.Collection: Horse