W. C. Fields
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.Collection: Drinking
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .Collection: Laughter
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.Collection: Believe
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.Collection: Funny
I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.Collection: Horse
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.Collection: Fall
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.Collection: Water
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.Collection: Doctors
I'm looking for loopholes.Collection: Loopholes
It is funnier to bend things than to break them.Collection: Break
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.Collection: Money
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.Collection: Cheating
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.Collection: Drinking
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!Collection: Drinking
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.Collection: Drinking
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.Collection: Funny
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.Collection: Greatness
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neckCollection: Funny
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.Collection: Cash
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one nightCollection: Night
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.Collection: Noise
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!Collection: Men
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.Collection: Believe
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.Collection: Beautiful
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.Collection: Business
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.Collection: Mother
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.Collection: Drinking
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.Collection: Mother
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.Collection: Beer
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.Collection: Money
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.Collection: Book
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.Collection: Firsts
There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.Collection: Real
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I’d had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.Collection: Real